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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇸🇲 has bookmarked:

No longer praying on your downfall. I will be directly involved.

Someone from 🇵🇼 has bookmarked:

I used to schedule naps, but now they’re little surprise parties my body throws at all hours of the day.

Someone from 🇮🇶 has copied:

“God has a plan for you!” Okay, well, I have some notes for him.

Someone from 🇲🇭 has bookmarked:

I’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard.

Someone from 🇬🇭 has viewed:

I would rather walk barefoot across a carpet made out of Legos than go to my high school reunion.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has downloaded:

I’m the guy at Apple who makes sure all your featured photos are your exes and your dog that died.

Someone from 🇪🇸 has downloaded:

When I quit my job I’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

Someone from 🇸🇮 has copied:

90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has downloaded:

Having leftover pizza for breakfast is an actual blessing.

Someone from 🇫🇲 has bookmarked:

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

824 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,986

Funny Quotes Topics

13,930

Funny Quotes Images

10,986

21 minutes ago

3,442

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

I’m bad at being sad. Three mins later, I’m making jokes about my situation.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

Seen just now on Discord:

I’m not saying I’m messy, but if Copperfield knew what I can make disappear, he’d be jealous.

Going viral on X:

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

Spotted on Pinterest:

Trying to spend less time on my phone so I can get back to something I’ve loved since childhood: watching TV.

Breaking via Slack:

I’m not fragile like a flower. I’m fragile like a bomb.

Making waves on Slack:

Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

Breaking via Facebook:

Are you there, bathroom walls, ceiling, floor, mirror, sink, and towels? It’s me, the kids toothpaste.

Spotted on X:

Workplace Wrapped: you had 60k minutes of meetings this year that could’ve been an email.

Just shared via Instagram:

When I say “the other day”, it can be anytime between yesterday and my birth.

Home » Funny Wife Quotes » Page 2

89 Funny wife quotes

More funny wife quotes 👇

1 month ago
Share →: I wish I had the determination of my wife, who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Commentary:
"Your wife's dedication is unmatched! 🚗🎶 She won't let a driveway stop her from finding THE perfect song! 😄🙌"
2 months ago
Share →: Not to brag, but my wife just described the dinner I made as “interesting.”

Commentary:
"Sounds like you're just one culinary mystery away from a Michelin star! 😂🍽️🔍"
2 months ago
Share →: Divorcing my wife to focus on my porn addiction.

Commentary:
"Taking 'commitment issues' to a whole new level! 😂📚🔞"
2 months ago
Share →: Letting my wife sleep in a little longer for Mother’s Day before we wake her up and ask what’s for breakfast.

Commentary:
"Ah yes, the classic 'Mother’s Day breakfast surprise'—where the surprise is that she still has to make it! 😅🍳🌷"
2 months ago
Share →: I told my wife to embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

Commentary:
"Looks like you got a warm reminder that you're #1! 😂🤗 #EmbracingMistakes #HugItOut"
2 months ago
Share →: Wife is temporary. Being the hot EX is forever.

Commentary:
"When life gives you lemons, make your ex regret it! 🍋🔥😎 #GlowUp"
2 months ago
Share →: If a man speaks in the forest and his wife is not there to hear him, is he still wrong?

Commentary:
"When a tree falls in the forest, it makes a sound. When a husband speaks without his wife around… the sound is 'just kidding!'" 😅🌲🗣️
3 months ago
Share →: The only person I ever call is my wife, and that’s just when we’re trying to find her phone.

Commentary:
Haha, sounds like your wife has mastered the art of playing hide and seek with her own phone! 📱😂 Maybe it’s her way of keeping you on your toes—or just testing your detective skills. Either way, teamwork makes the dream work—especially when it involves finding missing phones! 🕵️‍♂️❤️
4 months ago
Share →: I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

Commentary:
"Apparently, the silent treatment has reached new levels 😂🤫 Who knew not interrupting could be taken so seriously! 🙊"
4 months ago
Share →: Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for Martinis.

Commentary:
"Who needs drama-filled relationship status updates when you've got John and his sneaky martini transactions on Venmo? 🍸💰😂 #JustVenmoThings"

For even more funny wife quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny wife quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

824 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,986

Funny Quotes Topics

13,930

Funny Quotes Images

10,986

21 minutes ago

3,420

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇭🇹 has bookmarked:

Just got my steps in by avoiding someone I know.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has copied:

You want me to turn around? The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart.

Someone from 🇲🇨 has downloaded:

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable.

Someone from 🇬🇹 has viewed:

As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has viewed:

I forgot how to panic. Help!

Someone from 🇨🇾 has copied:

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has downloaded:

The only reason I insist on returning to the office is because my cat needs a break from me staring at him all day.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has viewed:

I have the bruises of a much more active person.

Someone from 🇹🇼 has downloaded:

Bluesky honestly feels like a miracle where you take the most annoying people in the world and stick them in a broken elevator together.

Someone from 🇦🇫 has copied:

Wealthy person who has no problems and also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

I’m sorry I said “I look forward to working with you” during our wedding vows.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

Kinda rude my neighbors live next to me.

Just shared via Slack:

Remember: when a band skips your city on tour, it is always personal and they always hate you specifically.

Going viral on Snapchat:

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult.

Live now on WeChat:

As long as you’re still fishing fruit flies out of your drink, you’re not drunk.

Seen just now on Threads:

Please no requests for a threesome. If I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I’ll visit my parents.

Reported on LinkedIn:

“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.

Shared recently on Twitch:

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

Trending via Snapchat:

Don’t go chasing waterfalls? The place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items?

Spotted on LinkedIn:

Perks of being ugly: phone battery lasts longer.

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