I eat cake every day because somewhere out there it’s someone’s birthday and I like to celebrate.

Date night idea: fight another couple.

Everyone who got my kids board games for Christmas, when are you coming back to play with them?

It probably feels so good to ram your head into something as a cat.

I taught my kids about democracy tonight by having them vote on which movie to watch and pizza to order. I then picked the movie and pizza because I’m the one with the money.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

People singing Happy Birthday to you feels like a real-life unskippable ad.

Clubbing is a phase that you must go through and get over.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

For the record, I use a turntable.

The point of life is going to a good restaurant and getting two cocktails with dinner. That’s it.

THRILLED to announce I did an Ironman this weekend! Attended 3 social gatherings in 3 days.

It’s so crazy how people are never down to just go get a burger. It didn’t used to be like this.

My retirement plan is time travel to the 80s.

A dating app called Unhinged where you agree to meet up and fight each other.

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena.

Wanna come over and see my mis-matched sock collection?

We go together like coffee and cigarettes.

Quitting my job to focus on watching YouTube.

Babe, are you okay? You’ve barely touched your unread books.