99 Funny husband quotes

• Keeping my mouth shut is usually not enough to avoid an argument with my husband. I also have to deactivate the subtitle function on my face.

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  2 weeks ago

  argument, avoid, communication, enough, face, function, humor, husband, i, marriage, mouth, relationship, shut, subtitle

• Promising I won’t tell anyone your secret doesn’t include my husband. He’s basically my diary.

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  2 weeks ago

  diary, humor, husband, i, promise, relationship, secret, tell, trust

• Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.

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  2 weeks ago

  advice, calm, communication, humor, husband, just, little, me, prayer, relationship, say, told

• I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realized it was a motorbike outside.

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  2 weeks ago

  end, funny moment, going, humor, husband, i, last, making, misunderstanding, moment, motorbike, never, night, noise, outside, stomach, thought

• My husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape, so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband.

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  2 weeks ago

  early, exercising, fitness, going, humor, husband, looking, need, new, new husband, relationship, shape, start, tomorrow, wake, waking, waking up

• My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.

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  2 weeks ago

  frustration, gift, holiday, humor, husband, i, marriage, me, pissed, prank, put, remote, tree, under

• My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

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  2 weeks ago

  accident, accidentally, cheesecake, dessert, eating, finished, funny situation, hear, house, humor, husband, i, knocking, locked, locked out, marriage, marriage humor, rest, situation, weird

• I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our kids.

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  2 weeks ago

  candy, family, fight, floor, front, humor, husband, i, just, kids, parenting, pay, piece, throw, UFC, understand

• My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”

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  2 weeks ago

  asked, chores, do-it-yourself, garbage, humor, husband, i, marriage, relationship, take, type, wit, yourself

• Every Reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

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  2 weeks ago

  absurdity, am, big, dropped, every, head, humor, husband, i, keys, piano, post, Reddit, relationship, teeth, wrong

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