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150 Funny something quotes

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  • Wearing white pants today, so it’s really just a matter of time before I spill something on myself.

    Commentary:
    “Rocking the white pants… or as I like to call them, ‘spill magnets!’ 🍷🩳😅 #LivingDangerously”

  • If you see me out running, you should run too, because something is definitely chasing me.

    Commentary:
    “Exercise? More like ‘exit!’ If I’m sprinting, it’s less ‘fit life’ and more ‘fight or flight!’ 🏃‍♂️💨😂”

  • I think something is so beautifully wrong with you.

    Commentary:
    “You’re like a Picasso painting – wonderfully abstract and delightfully puzzling! 🎨😄”

  • Sorry you thought I I was flirting with you; I had something in my eye.

    Commentary:
    “Oops! Guess my ‘eye contact’ came with a free trial. 😜👀”

  • My kids and I have this bit where I say something and they ignore me.

    Commentary:
    “Ah, the classic ‘Invisible Parent Act’—an enduring performance worthy of a standing ovation… from no one. 🎭🙈 #ParentingComedy”

  • There’s something so romantic about getting McDonald’s with a lover. Intimate perhaps.

    Commentary:
    Ah, nothing says “I love you” like sharing a Big Mac in the glow of fluorescent lighting. Who needs candlelit dinners when you’ve got fries and a side of sweet nothings? 🍟❤️😂 #FastFoodRomance #McLove

  • I don’t always say something stupid. But when I do, I keep talking and make it worse.

    Commentary:
    “I don’t always say something stupid. But when I do, I make sure it’s a masterpiece of epic proportions like a modern day Shakespearean tragedy… in 280 characters or less. 🤦‍♂️🤪 #WordsmithWoes”

  • I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

    Commentary:
    “I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do a lot of active activities, but little do they know it’s just for show… 🚲😂 #FakeItTillYouMakeIt”

  • Uh oh, said somethin’ weird. Better fix it by saying something even weirder.

    Commentary:
    Oh no, classic strategy! When in doubt, just double down on the weirdness! 🤪 It’s like trying to put out a fire by throwing more fire on it 🔥🔥 Who knew being awkward could be so much fun? 😅 #awkwardturtle

  • I’m never drinking again, unless something is going on later today.

    Commentary:
    “Promises made after a night of regrets and headaches! 🍻😅 #JustOneMoreTime #TheStruggleIsReal”

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