74 Funny witty quotes

• I told my daughter to check her attitude, and she responded, “For complaints about attitude, please contact the manufacturer.”

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  2 weeks ago

  attitude, check, complaint, complaints, contact, daughter, humor, i, manufacturer, parent-child, please, response, told, witty, witty response

• Better to be an overthinker than an overdrinker.

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  3 weeks ago

  better, comparison, drinking, humor, overdrinker, overthinker, thinking, witty

• I only squeak when I’m squoken to.

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  1 month ago

  communication, humor, i, joke, only, speak, squeak, witty, wordplay

• My psych professor asked if we’d heard of Pavlov. I said, “It rings a bell.” No one laughed; I’m too witty for this class.

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  2 months ago

  asked, bell, class, humor, i, joke, Pavlov, professor, psych, psychology, pun, rings, said, too, wit, witty

• I’m sorry to break it to you, but you need a soul to have a soulmate.

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  2 months ago

  break, dating, humor, love, need, relationship, sarcasm, sorry, soul, soulmate, witty

• If you have nothing nice to say, I promise you that I’ll have something even worse to say back.

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  2 months ago

  argument, attitude, back, comebacks, conversation, even, humor, i, insult, nice, nothing, promise, remark, sarcasm, say, something, witty, witty remark, worse

• I do not have a “body count.” I have a curious spirit.

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  2 months ago

  body, body count, count, curiosity, dating, humor, i, remark, self-description, spirit, witty, witty remark

• I must retire to my chambers about this.

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  2 months ago

  chamber, formal, formal language, humor, i, language, old fashioned, remark, retire, witty, witty remark

• I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.

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  2 months ago

  accomplishment, communication, daily, daily life, feel, honesty, humor, i, inner, inner voice, life, loud, restraint, sarcasm, saying, self-control, thinking, thought, today, voice, witty

• My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

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  2 months ago

  advice, always, anything, communication, conversation, conversationalist, humor, me, mother, much, nice, nothing, say, silence, told, witty

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