346 Funny am quotes

• I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb.

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  1 week ago

  am, compliment, difference, disdain, disinterest, dumb, easier, humor, i, ignorance, irony, life, luck, lucky, much, sarcasm, sarcastic, self-deprecating, simplicity, tell

• If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom, then I am absolutely nailing it.

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  1 week ago

  absolutely, am, anxiety, being, dark, dark humor, day, death, doom, existential, existential humor, health, humor, humor about death, i, last, live, means, mental, mental health, procrastination, sarcasm, self-deprecating, sense

• Women’s skincare is so confusing. Am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty, or matte like cement?

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  1 week ago

  am, beauty, confusing, confusion, cosmetics, humor, i, makeup, matte, satire, shine, shiny, skincare, sweaty, women

• I hate when I turn my car on in the morning and the music starts blasting, and I am like, “Whoooah, big fella, I’m not the same person I was last night.”

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  1 week ago

  am, big, blasting, car, change, hate, humor, i, last, mood, morning, morning routine, music, night, person, personal, personal change, personality, routine, same, turn

• Aliens are coming to Earth, people are going to the Moon, and I am still pushing on a door that says pull.

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  1 week ago

  aliens, am, coming, door, Earth, everyday, frustration, going, humor, i, irony, misunderstanding, moon, people, pull, pushing, still, struggle

• If we get invaded by space aliens, I am immediately defecting to the alien side. Sorry.

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  1 week ago

  alien, aliens, am, comedy, defect, extraterrestrial, humor, i, invasion, sci-fi, side, sorry, space

• My phone is on Do Not Disturb because I am disturbed enough as it is.

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  1 week ago

  am, disturb, disturbed, do not disturb, enough, humor, humor quote, i, phone, self-deprecating, technology

• I am cutting contact with my 3-year-old narcissist nephew.

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  1 week ago

  am, child, contact, cutting, distance, family, humor, i, narcissist, nephew, relationship, sarcasm, social, social distance

• The problem is I am always the problem.

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  1 week ago

  always, am, humor, i, introspection, irony, problem, self-awareness, self-deprecating

• Sorry, I’m late. Time isn’t real, and I’m not convinced I am either.

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  1 week ago

  am, convinced, existential, humor, i, joke, late, lateness, philosophy, procrastination, real, reality, sarcasm, sorry, time

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