246 Funny comedy quotes

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  3 months ago

  View →: Have you ever wanted to grab somebody by the shoulders, give them a good shake and whisper “Nobody cares!”
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  3 months ago

  View →: I was just viciously body shamed by my mirror.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Fries, not lies.
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  3 months ago

  View →: In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency notify”, I put “Doctor.”
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  3 months ago

  View →: People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
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  3 months ago

  View →: I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I’m hilarious.
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  3 months ago

  View →: I got all my marriage skills from watching Al Bundy.
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  4 months ago

  View →: We go together like Drunk and Disorderly.
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  4 months ago

  View →: In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
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  4 months ago

  View →: I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck.
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  4 months ago

  View →: My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely!
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  4 months ago

  View →: Chuck Norris can rub two fires together to get a piece of wood.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Armed robbers are so weird. Why are you beating me when I don’t have money?
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  4 months ago

  View →: My secret talent is turning any situation into a considerably more awkward one.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Roman soldiers are all like “I’m going to fight you in this short yet tasteful leather skirt.”
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  4 months ago

  View →: That uncontrollable urge to hurt myself and others when a film’s subtitles are slightly out of sync.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Jump to recipe is the closest thing we have to teleportation.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Why is it called the Super Bowl if no one is bowling?
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  4 months ago

  View →: A bird just flew into our glass door. Іt’s not dead. Just really embarrassed.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Just did my best horse impression and the doctor still won’t give me ketamine.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Due to personal reasons, I’ll be using humor to hide pain.
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  4 months ago

  View →: My favorite part of parenting is being exhausted all the time and losing the will to live.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Whoever is writing my Rom-Com, can you maybe, I don’t know, START IT?
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  4 months ago

  View →: Two people had sex and now I’m fighting for my life everyday.
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  4 months ago

  View →: British people be like “It’s Chewsday, innit?”
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  4 months ago

  View →: I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not an actor.
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  4 months ago

  View →: Another Netflix price increase? Guess we’re only chilling now.
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  4 months ago

  View →: If you can’t laugh at yourself, I will.
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  4 months ago

  View →: I need a horror movie where a kidnapper abducts a possessed child and finds out.
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  4 months ago

  View →: I hate how what would have been a parody is now reality.

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