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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇲🇽 has copied:

I’m in favor of sticking an “out of order” sign on some people’s foreheads. As a warning.

Someone from 🇷🇴 has viewed:

I know it’s true because the people on the internet said so.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has copied:

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has downloaded:

Hey beauty brands who make face creams: 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.

Someone from 🇺🇬 has bookmarked:

I like my bacon like I like my men, slightly burnt and crispy, and probably killing me slowly.

Someone from 🇧🇳 has bookmarked:

I’m a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has viewed:

What are some good jobs for someone with no passions, interests, motivation, social skills, or strengths?

Someone from 🇰🇭 has shared:

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Someone from 🇲🇼 has copied:

Way too many low IQ conspiracy theories floating around. Give me high IQ conspiracy theories.

Someone from 🇹🇩 has bookmarked:

Please don’t ask me what my hobbies are, I lost interest in life back in 6th grade.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,522

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Pinterest:

You try to fart in the toilet in the morning without waking the whole house and thanks to the brilliant acoustics of the toilet bowl, the horn of Gondor sounds.

Going viral on Facebook:

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen.

Just landed via Pinterest:

Confucius says: “Those who drink a lot die earlier, but have seen twice as much in life.”

Seen just now on Facebook:

Coughing has finally overtaken speaking Arabic as the most taboo thing to do in an airport.

Just landed via Instagram:

That friend who asks too many personal questions? He’s not concerned. He’s collecting.

Spotted on X:

“I asked ChatGPT,” “I asked Grok,” yeah, well, I wipe away the hours conversing with the flowers.

Seen just now on Reddit:

The females who don’t go through phones will definitely find out through dreams.

Seen just now on Telegram:

Next time I lose my mind I swear I’m not even going to look for it any more.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

In my retweeting era, because I’m just speechless.

Trending via TikTok:

AI is trained on what we write, so if we want to save our jobs we should all write really badly for a while. I’ve been doing my bit for years.

120 Funny live quotes

More funny live quotes 👇

Oh, to live in simpler times, when there was nothing to do but sit by the seashore and contemplate the miracle of existence.

1 week ago

contemplate, existence, live, mindfulness, miracle, nature, nostalgia, nothing, oh, relaxation, seashore, simpler, simpler time, sit, time, times
My husband is trying to convince me that we’re in a situationship. “The situation is that we live in the same house and love each other.”

1 week ago

convince, house, husband, live, love, marriage, me, relationship, same, situation, situationship, trying
This flight is so long, I don’t know where I’m going anymore. I just live here now. Even the crying baby gave up.

1 week ago

airport, baby, crying, crying baby, delay, even, flight, frustration, going, here, humor, i, just, know, live, long flight, patience, travel, where
If you think my posts are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy.

1 week ago

awkward, colonoscopy, embarrassment, humor, live, live stream, medical, medical humor, posts, self-deprecating, stream, think, unexpected, wait
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.

1 week ago

glass, glass house, house, houses, humor, hypocrisy, irony, judgment, live, people, put, sarcasm, should, watchlist
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom, then I am absolutely nailing it.

1 week ago

absolutely, am, anxiety, being, dark, dark humor, day, death, doom, existential, existential humor, health, humor, humor about death, i, last, live, means, mental, mental health, procrastination, sarcasm, self-deprecating, sense
People who live in glass houses shouldn’t change clothes.

1 week ago

caution, change, change clothes, clothes, glass, glass house, house, houses, humor, irony, live, people, privacy, vulnerability
Ok, hear me out: a reality show where billionaire CEOs have to live off of their lowest-paid employees’ salaries for a month.

1 week ago

billionaire, CEO, corporate, disparity, economic, economic disparity, employee, employee salary, employees, experiment, hear, humor, live, me, month, ok, reality, reality show, salary, satire, show, social, social experiment, where, workplace
We live in a time where intelligent people are being silenced, so that stupid people won’t be offended.

1 week ago

being, censorship, communication, free, free speech, humor, intelligence, intelligent, live, offended, offense, people, society, speech, stupid, stupidity, time, where
People who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day.

1 week ago

alone, anxiety, before, communication, conversation, day, humor, live, loneliness, loud, people, practice, should, social, social anxiety, speak, time

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Social Media Stars ⭐

21 shares on Discord this month:

The only person I ever call is my wife, and that’s just when we’re trying to find her phone.

94 shares on Slack this month:

I’m not fat. I’m just easy to see.

99 shares on Reddit this month:

Best threesome: me, my bed and my pillow.

39 shares on Telegram this month:

Eating spaghetti to forgetti my regretti.

84 shares on Instagram this month:

I asked my dad what his favorite joke was. He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”

32 shares on Twitch this month:

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

85 shares on Slack this month:

I tried counting sheep so I can fall asleep but that got boring, so I started talking to the shepherd instead.

75 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I think God’s next test for me should be, “Can he handle a ridiculous amount of money.”

94 shares on Instagram this month:

Every morning I wake up and make the worst possible time management decisions anyone has ever made.

15 shares on Messenger this month:

Sometimes, before bedtime, I fall asleep on the couch. It’s my little sleep appetizer… my nappetizer.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇲 has shared:

Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids, knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.

Someone from 🇦🇺 has viewed:

How was the word “Wife” invented? They took the first two and last two letters of wildlife.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has bookmarked:

I’ve never met a garlic bread I didn’t get on with.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has viewed:

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

Someone from 🇵🇹 has viewed:

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has shared:

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

Someone from 🇹🇲 has bookmarked:

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has copied:

About to form my very first opinion.

Someone from 🇳🇷 has shared:

Have I made bad decisions when I was drunk? Sure. But have the sober ones been any better? Not really.

Someone from 🇹🇳 has shared:

My superpower? Staying calm when talking to idiots.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Twitch:

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

Breaking via YouTube:

Deodorant? No, I never need to buy any. People just give it to me. Complete strangers sometimes.

Breaking via Telegram:

For Thanksgiving don’t ask me about my life, just pass me the bottle.

Going bananas on LinkedIn:

I really can’t wait until it all works out.

Shared recently on YouTube:

Money enters like Beyoncé and exits like Britney.

Making waves on Facebook:

If every day is a gift, today is socks.

Going bananas on Twitch:

Since emojis have been around, I finally have a rough idea of how women feel when they don’t know what to wear.

Just shared via YouTube:

If you ever get a chance to date a cute person for one day, where will you take me?

Making waves on Facebook:

I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.

Making waves on Reddit:

October is the situationship of months. So briefly beautiful, but you know the horrors are imminent.

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120 Funny live quotes

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