Working with children gives you so much in return. Lice, for example.

Donuts have holes in them, just like acoustic guitars, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end.

I need to stop drinking so much. Did I say drinking? I meant thinking. I definitely need to drink more.

Standing on a scale and thinking: so much wisdom and inner beauty can’t be light.

Things can feel really overwhelming. Sometimes days or even weeks can get really hectic. Don’t forget that life is all about getting as much phone time as possible. Never lose sight of that.

During childbirth, women are in so much pain that it is almost possible for them to feel what men have to endure when they have a cold.

Men are like dogs. They’re actually cute, but having my own would be too much work for me.

The fact that I have a lot of wine in the house proves that I don’t drink much. Otherwise the wine would be gone.

I wonder how much this “Never mind, it’s only 10 bucks” has already cost me?

“You should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day”. Okay, and how much if you’re not trying to go to the Olympics?

You know when you have so much to do that you just sit down and do nothing?

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself. People online: Hold my beer.

Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much.

As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.

Every morning when that damn alarm clock goes off, I just feel it so much: A million-dollar inheritance suits me much better than an office job.

Looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

Some people find it strange when you talk to your pet. I find conversations with some people much stranger.

The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe, I am here to reassure you that you did not.

I could never give up my dog, he knows too much.