In honor of the last eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me. Posted on5 hours ago
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless. Posted on5 hours ago
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem. Posted on6 hours ago
Everyone has these three colleagues: The one who is always cold. The one who is always hungry. The one who is always tired. I am everything in one. Posted on9 hours ago
Since I tolerate gluten and lactose well, I can afford a few intolerances in the interpersonal area. Posted on9 hours ago
When people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it,” I’m like, “Oh, you do not know what I’m capable of.” Posted on22 hours ago
Not all works of art are in a museum. I, for example, am lying on the couch at home. Posted on1 day ago
Accidentally punched myself in the face as I was getting dressed this morning, and I have to say, I deserved it. Posted on1 day ago
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 60-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s. Posted on1 day ago
Not pretty enough for Instagram, not funny enough for Twitter. Welcome to WhatsApp status. Posted on2 days ago
Being lazy has its advantages. I still have most of my winter fat from last year. Posted on2 days ago
What I lack in moves on the dance floor, I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation. Posted on2 days ago
I’m just another dysfunctional train wreck barreling down the tracks with a smile. Posted on2 days ago
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race, the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything? Posted on2 days ago
You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body. Posted on2 days ago
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon. Posted on2 days ago