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142 Funny situation quotes

Babysitting a pair of twin babies right now and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane”. I don’t know, just feels weird.

3 months ago

I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.

3 months ago

Farting, but with eye contact.

3 months ago

If you tell me to make myself at home, I’m going to ask you to leave.

3 months ago

I just locked eyes with a spider. But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

3 months ago

I forgot to turn my clocks back and, oh my God, you guys are not going to believe the stuff that happens in the next hour.

3 months ago

A hammock is a terrible place to receive bad news.

3 months ago

An escape room, but it’s just your high school reunion.

3 months ago

Having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. Like, imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head.

3 months ago

A haunted house, but it’s just a room full of people asking you to tell them a fun fact about yourself.

3 months ago

Hello 911? Yes, my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.

3 months ago

Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’.

3 months ago

Kids today have it much easier. When I was growing up and something bad happened, we had to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

3 months ago

Just paid rent. Now I have a place to starve in.

3 months ago

“Alcohol and beautiful women” is apparently not an appropriate answer when you are asked about your weaknesses in a job interview.

3 months ago

At the grocery store, but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.

3 months ago

I can’t do the splits. But so far there has never been a situation where I’ve thought, “I should do the splits now.”

3 months ago

When the doorbell rings, I always go to the door with my jacket on. Depending on who it is, I either just want to leave or have just come home.

3 months ago

Whoops, accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date.

3 months ago

Having to pee when you’re driving is problematic. Having to sneeze when you’re driving is even more problematic.

3 months ago