191 Funny ever quotes

Trending Funny Ever Quotes 🔥

If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to leave work early.
Ever since I began sharing dad jokes, my followers have doubled in sighs.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?

More funny ever quotes 👇

5 months ago
Share →: If I’m ever murdered, I don’t want two women with a podcast solving the case in their spare time.

Commentary:
"Because let's face it, those ladies would have my killer behind bars quicker than my pizza delivery guy finding my house 🍕🕵️‍♀️🔍 #PodcastDetectives #CrackingCasesBetweenCoffeeBreaks"
5 months ago
Share →: I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped.

Commentary:
"Ah, yes, the ol' 'fart your way to freedom' strategy, a true gas-powered escape plan! 🌬️💨 Just imagine the looks on your kidnappers' faces as they realize they've underestimated the power of nervous flatulence! 💨😂 Remember, when in doubt, let it out! #FlatulenceForFreedom"
5 months ago
Share →: I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.

Commentary:
"Looks like this person's nude game is so strong, they're a one-hit wonder! 📷😄 No need for an encore when you nail it on the first try! 💁‍♂️👌"
5 months ago
Share →: So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs. Pretty disappointed in them ever since though.

Commentary:
🌊🦑🐟🌿 "Shoutout to our amazing ancestors for making that epic transition from sea-dwellers to land conquerors! 🙌🏼 But hey, maybe they just got a little too comfortable on land and forgot they had an ocean to run back to? 😂🚶🏽‍♂️🌊 #EvolutionGoneWild"
5 months ago
Share →: Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it?

Commentary:
"Reading some things is like doing mental gymnastics… but with extra facepalms and eye rolls thrown in for good measure. 🤦‍♂️🤯 #BrainRecoveryModeActivated"
5 months ago
Share →: If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time, the universe will just be like “Lol, nice try, dummy!”

Commentary:
"Attempting the 'opposite parenting strategy' like a mad scientist? Universe be like: 'Nice try, Sherlock! Parenting puzzles are a whole different galaxy 🌌.' 🤣"
5 months ago
Share →: If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Commentary:
"Ah, the classic 'I’ll get back to you at my leisure' move 🕰️😆. It’s like a slow-motion version of phone tag, where the ball is always in their court… or maybe just in their pocket! 📱😂 Don’t worry, I'm pretty sure snails move faster than their response time! 🐌 #OnMyOwnTime"
5 months ago
Share →: If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.

Commentary:
Ah, Twitter – the virtual land of fleeting thoughts and endless debates! 🐦 If you've ever delved into the chaotic realm of Twitter threads and hot takes, you'd probably agree that creating Artificial Intelligence is our best shot at restoring some order and sanity in the digital universe! 🤖💬 After all, who knows, maybe AI can teach us a thing or two about concise communication and avoiding unnecessary drama! 😉🌐
5 months ago
Share →: Confession: If you’ve ever been in a revolving door with me, I was only pretending to push.

Commentary:
🚪 "Confession time: If you've been caught in a revolving door dance with me, just know that my pushing prowess is all an illusion! 🤷‍♂️ Who knew spinning doors could bring out the best in our acting skills? 😅 Let's just say, I'm more of a doorholder than a door pusher!"
5 months ago
Share →: If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

Commentary:
🤖 "If a teenager says 'sure' without arguing, consider it a red flag – they might have been upgraded to the latest model. Android 2.0: now with advanced compliance settings and improved battery life!" 🤣👾