358 Funny ever quotes

• If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

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  2 weeks ago

  advertising, change, charge, corporate, ever, honesty, humor, i, ID, just, just do it, Nike, nobody, responsibility, say, slogan

• There’s a reason you ain’t ever used your phone in a dream.

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  2 weeks ago

  dream, ever, funny observation, humor, observation, phone, reason, sleep, technology, used

• The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

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  2 weeks ago

  appointment, disappointment, ever, expectations, humor, irony, life, time

• It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said.

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  2 weeks ago

  both, both sides, conversation, debate, dumbest, dumbest thing, ever, hear, humor, important, listen, need, perspective, reality, sides, situation, thing

• If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

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  2 weeks ago

  attack, bright, bright side, eat, ever, good, humor, just, let, occurrence, positivity, rare, rare occurrence, shark, side, special, sport, survival

• You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

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  2 weeks ago

  airport, airport security, ever, food, food shopping, funny observation, home, humor, kids, notice, observation, parenting, parenting humor, security, shopping, turn

• Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

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  2 weeks ago

  change, clock, domestic, domestic life, ever, form, humor, kitchen, laziness, life, microwave, morning, robe, Sunday, Sunday morning, time, time travel, travel

• In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

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  2 weeks ago

  animals, ever, going, home, humor, i, life, longing, nostalgia, pigeon, previous, previous life, think, travel

• Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

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  2 weeks ago

  amazing, announcer, competition, deduction, ever, gymnast, humor, i, life, oh, Olympic, point, point deduction, seen, sports, thing

• There’s something meditative about cleaning. It’s the perfect time to reflect and plan revenge on every single person who has ever wronged you.

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  2 weeks ago

  activity, cleaning, ever, every, humor, meditative, mindfulness, perfect, person, plan, planning, reflect, revenge, single, something, time, wronged

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