358 Funny ever quotes

Funny ever quotes are like the confetti of language, sprinkling a little buzz into the mundane. They’re the cheeky winks from history’s class clowns, the verbal high-fives that transform dull moments into laugh-out-loud memories. Whether you’re seeking a giggle, a snort, or a full-on belly laugh, these gems are your go-to. So grab your favorite beverage, sit back, and dive into a world where words wear clown shoes and every punchline lands like a feather on your funny bone. Get ready to LOL and maybe even ROFL!

I’m not exaggerating when I say, if I ever clogged a toilet at work, I would immediately quit, change my name, and then move to a different city.

2 months ago

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name, they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship.

2 months ago

If I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text; I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently.

2 months ago

358 Funny ever quotes

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

Sure, breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing so you can start using it again?

Expecting your first baby’s exciting, but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?

I’m not exaggerating when I say, if I ever clogged a toilet at work, I would immediately quit, change my name, and then move to a different city.

Has anyone ever considered that Dr. Pepper could be a gynecologist?

Obsessed with how Siri just doesn’t work at all, ever.

The first person to ever throw up was probably like, “Ok, what the hell.”

As a student, the most comforting words you’ll ever hear are “I haven’t started either.”

As long as you don’t ever give them your real name, they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship.

Had calamari for the first time ever, and it wasn’t that bad. Maybe I’ll try marriage next.

Do you ever wake up in the morning and you’re just like… no.

Cigarettes are a better networking tool than LinkedIn could ever dream of being.

If I ever go missing, check the snack aisle. I’m probably just deciding.

No one has ever believed in me more than this waitress, who brought me buffalo wings and a single wet nap.

Ever since I was young, I knew I wanted to be online nonstop.

If I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text; I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently.

If I ever find out who stole my identity, I’ll pay all their debts and ruin their credit score just for fun.

Ever since I turned 20, someone is always in Japan or Italy. Is it like this forever?

Today is the Mondayest Thursday that has ever been mistaken for a Friday in the history of Wednesdays.

“It’s not that deep.” Of course it’s not. With a shallow mind like yours, nothing ever is.

People who don’t admit their mistakes disgust me. I would absolutely admit to a mistake if I had ever made one.

If you ever feel like something’s missing in your life, it’s probably me.

Daniel Craig leaving Bond to become Benoit Blanc is one of the best things to ever happen.

If you ever find yourself mad at me, put a cape on so you can be super mad.

Everyone’s “the nicest guy ever” until the cops are in their backyard digging up several bodies.

I don’t think I’ve ever made the right amount of pasta.

Do clouds ever look down on us and say, “This one is shaped like an idiot”?

I can’t think of a single email that has ever found me well.

“Can’t wait till I get older” was the dumbest thing I ever said.

Have you ever been so stressed that you’re calm?

You ever get surprised by your own recurring issues? Like, come on man, I thought we were past this.

She’s probably just not using her phone right now for the first time ever in her whole life.

You ever see a woman so beautiful it makes you momentarily mentally ill?

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I’d grow up to be a weird freak.

Work is the worst video game ever.

Have you ever “accidentally” eaten a family sized bag of chips?

Sometimes I wonder if the plot ever gets tired of being twisted.

Please don’t ever speak to me about math. I’ve moved on.