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142 Funny situation quotes

An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.

3 months ago

Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.

3 months ago

How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank? Do you just call them and say you can’t come?

3 months ago

If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.

3 months ago

You never forget your first kiss. Or your first meeting with HR.

3 months ago

The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter.

3 months ago

They should invent a type of situation that improves.

3 months ago

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

3 months ago

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it.

3 months ago

A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.

3 months ago

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. What if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders?

3 months ago

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

3 months ago

If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.

3 months ago

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

3 months ago

A camel walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Hey, you can’t bring your own drinks in here!”

3 months ago

That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink.

3 months ago

I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbors loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.

3 months ago

I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking.

3 months ago

It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.

3 months ago

My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room, dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence.

3 months ago