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The meteorologist who devised the wind chill factor has died. He was 86, but he felt like 75.

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My stomach just made the exact sound of the “your” in “your call has been forwarded to an automatic voice messaging system.”

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Feelings are like children. You don’t want them driving the car, but you shouldn’t stuff them in the trunk either.

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I am an influencer. If you arenโ€™t influenced in any way, that is on you. Do better.

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If your first child is uncomplicated, then it’s a trick of nature to get you to have a second child. The second will be an unpredictable bundle of energy that seems to get by without sleep.

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In general, I like company, but not when I am with my pizza.

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I love when someone is like โ€œIโ€™m funny because I have trauma and itโ€™s a coping mechanismโ€ and itโ€™s like “Okay, not to add to your trauma, but youโ€™re not funny!”

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I’m so thankful I had a childhood before technology took over.

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I got 3 miles in before breakfast. That’s enough driving for the day.

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Sorry Iโ€™m late. I was in the car waiting for my song to end.

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58 Funny social anxiety quotes

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