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10,000+ funny quotes

157 Funny everyone quotes

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

3 months ago

I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there.

3 months ago

Great news everyone! The priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery.

3 months ago

Does everyone have that one colleague at work who puts you in a bad mood just by looking at them?

3 months ago

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

3 months ago

Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.

3 months ago

Feeling lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.

3 months ago

Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes.

3 months ago

Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day, we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.

3 months ago

Everyone has these three colleagues: The one who is always cold. The one who is always hungry. The one who is always tired. I am everything in one.

3 months ago

Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one.

3 months ago

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

3 months ago

Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny, then all of a sudden you know trigonometry.

3 months ago

Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.

3 months ago

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s.

3 months ago

Everyone gives pleasure in some way, one when they enter a room, the other when they leave it.

3 months ago

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?

3 months ago

I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.

3 months ago

How are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby?

3 months ago

A tip for your next salary negotiation: simply tell your boss “either I get a pay rise or I go out and tell everyone I got one!”

3 months ago