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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇼 has shared:

Two things I learned yesterday: I’m not too old to sit in a beanbag chair, but I’m too old to get out of one.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has viewed:

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has downloaded:

“Thug life,” I whisper to myself as I check out my sunglasses in the mirror.

Someone from 🇨🇩 has shared:

I have browser tabs open that are older than you.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has viewed:

I don’t understand why my cooking was garbage. I did everything right. I drank wine while I cooked. I had a hand towel over my shoulder. Literally everything right.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has downloaded:

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has viewed:

Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families. Do their families get a say in this?

Someone from 🇨🇭 has downloaded:

No matter how messed up your situation is, someone on Reddit’s already lived it, cried about it, and made a 3-part update with screenshots and farmed 12k upvotes.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has downloaded:

So much anger in this small little body. I feel like a chihuahua.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has bookmarked:

Having a Bible verse in your bio doesn’t make you a good person.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

Users Online

3,316

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on WhatsApp:

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

Before I drink, I eat liver so the liquor won’t know which liver to attack.

Trending via Instagram:

I love convincing myself iced coffee counts as hydration and self-care.

Shared recently on LinkedIn:

Nobody views your story faster than someone who doesn’t talk to you.

Live now on Slack:

I think my dog always follows me to the bathroom because I always follow him outside and he thinks that’s the way it works.

Making waves on LinkedIn:

I’m a “I have an appointment later, so I can’t do anything else for the rest of the day” kind of person.

Going viral on Pinterest:

They’re uploading my consciousness into a disposable vape.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.

Seen just now on Messenger:

Killing me softly with his schlong.

Just landed via Reddit:

Gonna go walk the beach and stare annoyingly at couples. May even growl as I pass by.

2080 Funny me quotes

More funny me quotes 👇

“Hope this email finds you doing well!” The email found me, therefore I am unwell.

1 week ago

am, communication, doing, email, finds, found, hope, humor, i, irony, me, sarcasm, unwell, well, workplace
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes. Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”.

1 week ago

across, always, aspiration, bus, disappear, goal, goals, humor, i, interview, interviewer, joke, me, meant, professional, professional goal, someone, stare, street, wanted
I received my electricity bill. I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.

1 week ago

bill, divine, divine light, electricity, end, expenses, humor, i, joke, light, me, sunlight, think, tunnel
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.

1 week ago

annoyance, carey, celebrity, doing, every, hearing, humor, mariah, Mariah Carey, me, music, parallel, parallel universe, shopping, sick, speaker, speaker system, stores, system, universe
Finally gathered all my thoughts and now they’re jumping me.

1 week ago

chaos, confusion, gathering, humor, jumping, me, mental, mind, struggle, thought, thoughts
Whispering to paramedic before I pass out: save me, but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow.

1 week ago

before, enough, health, humor, i, me, paramedic, pass, pass out, reluctance, save, tomorrow, work, workplace
Of course, I also put my mobile down from time to time. For example, when someone tries to call me.

1 week ago

call, communication, course, distraction, example, humor, i, irony, me, mobile, put, someone, technology, time
So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner.

1 week ago

cat, cats, dinner, humor, loneliness, me, neighborhood, relationship, single
All I’m dealing with is broken people. Lord, if I’m a mechanic, please tell me.

1 week ago

broken, broken people, dealing, humor, lord, me, mechanic, people, tell
If you tell me to make myself at home, I’m going to ask you to leave.

1 week ago

ask, going, home, humor, invitation, leave, me, myself, situation, tell

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All funny me quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Social Media Stars ⭐

79 shares on Threads this month:

I believe the IRS is days away from having a nuclear weapon.

96 shares on WeChat this month:

Nothing like a meteor shower to remind you that burning out can still be breathtaking.

64 shares on Facebook this month:

I can’t work under these festive conditions.

23 shares on Snapchat this month:

Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.

36 shares on Instagram this month:

Moms will vacuum the ceiling, alphabetize the spice rack, reorganize your socks, then say, “No one helps me around here!”

96 shares on Facebook this month:

Home is where you trust the toilet seats.

67 shares on Reddit this month:

I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.

96 shares on WeChat this month:

Twitter is fun because you can tweet about hashbrowns and someone will say you are responsible for genocide.

91 shares on TikTok this month:

I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.

28 shares on Pinterest this month:

“You’re such a stalker!” God forbid a woman wants to know more about her future husband.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇹 has viewed:

I was actually doing so well until your email found me.

Someone from 🇸🇬 has shared:

Liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it.

Someone from 🇲🇩 has copied:

If these walls could talk, they would definitely say “Wow, this guy really does add cheese to everything after all!”

Someone from 🇧🇼 has viewed:

Me and my best friend saying, “Hey, who are we to judge,” after spending 6 hours gossiping.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has copied:

The real threat to Democracy is the Bureaucracy.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has downloaded:

“I” before “E,” except when your foreign neighbor Keith receives eight counterfeit beige sleighs from weird, feisty, caffeinated weightlifters.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has downloaded:

Naps are tricky. Either you wake up relaxed and refreshed, or you have a headache, a dry throat and no idea what year it is.

Someone from 🇧🇮 has downloaded:

Why can’t my career pursue me instead?

Someone from 🇾🇪 has copied:

If you’re gonna spend so much time in my head, would it kill you to tidy up a bit?

Someone from 🇲🇦 has viewed:

“My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.” -Me, flirting.

Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Slack:

The way Adele works for 6 months and then disappears for 7 years is very much the work-life balance I’m all about.

Shared recently on Pinterest:

My kids will never appreciate the amount of extroverting the introvert me does for them.

Spotted on X:

The worst person you know is studying psychology.

Spotted on Pinterest:

Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am.

Freshly posted on Slack:

The only ex I cheated on is my exam.

Just shared via Pinterest:

Difference between a flirt and harassment: if you are handsome, it’s a flirt, if you are ugly, it’s harassment.

Going viral on Slack:

I’ve skipped midlife crisis and gone straight to birdwatching.

Making waves on Messenger:

Before I start seeing a psychiatrist, does anyone like me crazy?

Going viral on Messenger:

Baby, we believe in God around here, I don’t care what’s trending these days.

Going bananas on X:

Who needs an alarm clock when you have a bladder.

Activity Log ✨

2080 Funny me quotes

More funny me quotes 👇

All funny me quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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