If you live in the same hemisphere as me, you’ve probably already heard me sneeze. Posted on2 hours ago
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case. Posted on3 hours ago
People say opposites attract, but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying. Posted on9 hours ago
Asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. Asked them the same thing until I got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my train wreck of a life. Posted on10 hours ago
“Pre” means before, and “post” means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous. Posted on13 hours ago
Sleeping in now means waking up without the alarm clock, but still at the same time. Posted on13 hours ago
“You changed!” Yeah, I thought three days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it. Posted on14 hours ago
Did you know on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Isles? Same thing – not one canary there either! Posted on15 hours ago
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again. The fashion industry: No. Posted on23 hours ago
Men, it’s really simple. We want everything, but nothing, at the same time or different times, sometimes but not always. Posted on23 hours ago
If you push your belly button and nose at the same time, your brain takes a screenshot. Posted on1 day ago
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer stuff. Posted on1 day ago
As president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password. Posted on2 days ago
It’s amazing how so many people can rave about Star Wars or Star Trek and at the same time make sure that the only realistic future prospect is Mad Max. Posted on2 days ago
If someone else makes you a sandwich, it’s always better than if you do it yourself. It’s the same with sex. Posted on2 days ago
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing. Posted on2 days ago
Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible. Posted on3 days ago
Oh really? We’ll see what the same six people who always agree with me think about that. Posted on3 days ago
Monday: The only day when you can wear the same outfit from the day before without anyone noticing. Posted on3 days ago
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. It probably thought it was at a wine tasting. Posted on4 days ago
Please no requests for a threesome. If I want to disappoint two people at the same time, I’ll visit my parents. Posted on4 days ago
When you’re dead, you don’t know that you’re dead. But it’s hard for those around you. It’s the same when you’re stupid. Posted on4 days ago
Eight times a day, I ask myself which object in the office will hurt me enough so that I can go home, but at the same time won’t hurt too much. Posted on4 days ago
The night is dark and full of terrors. My day is long and full of meetings. Same thing. Posted on4 days ago
I never make the same mistake twice. I make it three four times, you know, just to be sure! Posted on6 days ago
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code. Posted on6 days ago
By day I am just a regular loser, by night I am the same loser only it’s nighttime. Posted on6 days ago