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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇬🇳 has viewed:

Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise. He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.

Someone from 🇹🇬 has bookmarked:

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying “What?” to this person?

Someone from 🇦🇪 has shared:

Please don’t celebrate April Fool’s day if you’re not a fool. My culture is not your costume.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has downloaded:

Does anyone know how to lower the difficulty setting on my life?

Someone from 🇪🇬 has bookmarked:

What is the morning wood equivalent for women, and why do I always have it?

Someone from 🇸🇧 has copied:

You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.

Someone from 🇿🇼 has bookmarked:

Marriage is scary, what if he doesn’t want our house to look like my Pinterest board.

Someone from 🇭🇷 has downloaded:

Being sexy is just the cherry on top. I’m actually a genius and the sweetest girl ever.

Someone from 🇷🇸 has copied:

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Someone from 🇸🇱 has shared:

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Jan 19, 2026

3,616

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Twitch:

I’m ready to try another planet.

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

Real yearners know yearning is not actually fun.

Broadcasted on Instagram:

Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.

Just landed via Snapchat:

My life is just a series of awkward moments separated by snacks.

Making waves on Pinterest:

Changing my passwords regularly has certainly helped protect my accounts. Against me.

Going viral on Messenger:

Hmm, that’s a bit too harsh. Let me put “lol” at the end of it.

Trending via Twitch:

A couple of years ago, the internet was an escape from the real world. Today, the real world is an escape from the internet.

Going viral on Reddit:

In English we say: “You changed.” But in poetry we say: “You became a stranger wearing the face I used to love, and I am haunted by the ghost of who you were.”

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

Seen just now on Threads:

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

36 Funny self-control quotes

Funny self-control quotes bring a hilarious twist to the everyday struggle of staying disciplined 🍕😂 Whether you’re battling midnight snacks or resisting that impulsive online shopping spree 🛒🤪, these witty sayings will have you laughing while keeping your willpower in check 💪🤣 Get ready to giggle and relate as you embrace the lighter side of self-control! 😅🔥

New funny self-control quotes 👇

Sorry, I would love to, but I just made a bunch of rules for myself, and I’m actually not allowed to do that.

13 hours ago

actually, allowed, boundary, excuse, humor, i, just, love, myself, rule, rules, self-control, sorry
“I’m pretty good with money unless I leave my house or have access to the internet.”

17 hours ago

access, finance, good, house, humor, i, internet, joke, leave, money, online, online shopping, personal, personal finance, pretty, self-control, shopping, spending
Sometimes I’ll do a random act of kindness, like keeping my mouth shut, for example.

2 months ago

act, example, humor, keeping, kindness, mouth, random, random act, self-control, shut, silence, sometimes
My life started becoming a mess when I was put in charge of my own bedtime.

2 months ago

bedtime, charge, humor, i, life, mess, own, put, responsibility, self-control
What part of “I don’t want to spend any more money” don’t I understand?

2 months ago

budget, debt, finance, financial, financial struggle, frustration, humor, i, money, personal, personal finance, self-control, shopping, spend, spending, struggle, understand, want
Today I choose kindness, but we’ll see, it’s still early.

2 months ago

attitude, choice, choose, early, humor, i, kindness, morning, motivation, procrastination, self-control, still, today, well
Self-discipline is tough because I’m the boss of me, and that guy runs a real loose ship.

2 months ago

boss, guy, humor, leadership, loose, me, personal, personal responsibility, real, responsibility, runs, self-control, self-discipline, ship, tough
I feel like my greatest accomplishment today has been not saying what I’m thinking out loud.

2 months ago

accomplishment, communication, daily, daily life, feel, honesty, humor, i, inner, inner voice, life, loud, restraint, sarcasm, saying, self-control, thinking, thought, today, voice, witty
I’ve cooked for men I should have poisoned, so yeah, I do have self-control.

2 months ago

cooking, humor, i, man, men, poison, sarcasm, self-control, should
Sometimes my greatest accomplishment is keeping my mouth shut.

2 months ago

accomplishment, communication, humor, keeping, mouth, patience, restraint, self-control, shut, silence, sometimes

For even more funny self-control quotes, hit next 👇

All funny self-control quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Funny Quotes Collections

✨ New Funny Quotes

Social Media Stars ⭐

21 shares on Facebook this month:

I was neglecting my root chakra at the time, your honor.

86 shares on WeChat this month:

Noam Chomsky sounds like the legal name of the very hungry caterpillar.

44 shares on Twitch this month:

The Sunday struggle is wanting to relax and wanting a clean house, but also not wanting to clean or move.

56 shares on X this month:

Eating healthy requires a second job.

14 shares on LinkedIn this month:

The world would be a much nicer place if we just turn off the news.

48 shares on Telegram this month:

Never signed up for a 401k cause there’s no way in hell I can run that far.

78 shares on Facebook this month:

Being gracefully insane is the only way to survive life’s daily bullshit.

71 shares on YouTube this month:

I’m going crazy, y’all. Coming with me?

63 shares on Threads this month:

I need someone to peer pressure me into doing things.

72 shares on Instagram this month:

“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you!” Maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it.

Trending Topics 📁

Hot Jokes 💥

23 folks are currently checking 👀

You know you’re getting old when you clean the house to the music you used to go out to.

5 folks are currently checking 👀

Need to win the lottery so I can focus on going to museums and working out.

23 folks are currently checking 👀

We really do need a separate grocery store for people who’ve been on Earth before.

24 folks are currently checking 👀

Underrated life skill: only doing what feels genuinely right and letting everything else go.

14 folks are currently checking 👀

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

21 folks are currently checking 👀

If I say “First of all,” run away, because I have prepared research, data, charts and I will totally prove you wrong.

12 folks are currently checking 👀

My favorite condiment is Worcestershire sauce. Why? It’s hard to say.

8 folks are currently checking 👀

Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.

8 folks are currently checking 👀

How many sit-ups do I have to do before I get a six-pack? Please say 5.

22 folks are currently checking 👀

When women get to a certain weight, you’ll notice they change their social media profile pictures to flowers, cats, or dogs.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

calculating…

Funny Quotes Total

15,752

Funny Quotes Topics

17,765

Funny Quotes Images

15,752

Updated

Jan 19, 2026

Users Online

3,660

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇬 has shared:

My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday, so the driver gave us a knock this morning to make sure we were OK.

Someone from 🇦🇷 has bookmarked:

Imagine sex with me. No, not like that, you’re doing it all wrong!

Someone from 🇳🇿 has copied:

Okay, that’s enough todaying for today.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has shared:

Babe, wake up, it’s stupid outside!

Someone from 🇹🇯 has bookmarked:

So many mistakes to make, so little time.

Someone from 🇱🇧 has viewed:

What a time to be alive, it’s like the collapse of Rome, but with memes.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has viewed:

My boyfriend moved in with me straight from Hotel Mama. In a way, I’m now a single parent.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has viewed:

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Someone from 🇰🇬 has shared:

Not to brag, but I was unhinged way before it was cool.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has viewed:

“Unavailable” is my favorite state to be in.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on Slack:

I like my messages, how I like my nuts – MIXED.

Going bananas on Telegram:

Super excited to not contribute anything worthwhile today.

Spotted on Reddit:

Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment.

Freshly posted on Snapchat:

“Is this a joke to you?” Unfortunately, everything is a little bit of a joke to me.

Trending via X:

The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.

Just shared via YouTube:

This entire “presidency” is like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.

Spreading quickly via Pinterest:

Me: This is a hard escape room. Manager: You’re at work.

Broadcasted on Reddit:

“AI is coming for your jobs!” I’d like to see AI take a 30-minute poop right after clocking in.

Going bananas on Facebook:

Life is like bread. It gets hard at some point.

Making waves on X:

When my husband says he’ll just be a minute, I know I have enough time to watch an entire television series, paint the house, or go on a quest.

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