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“You’re a cardiologist? Is that like a fancy name for an auto mechanic?”

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So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed.

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That odd feeling when your lunch break is over and you still have to work for another 30 years.

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Let’s all be grateful for a moment that stupidity is not contagious.

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I love cute tiny purses, but I’m sad to say I can never be a cute tiny purse girl. I need to haul my hoard of objects everywhere I go, because what if….

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“You’re always sleeping,” God forbid a woman wants to be unconscious.

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I believe in you. I also believe in Bigfoot so don’t get too excited.

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People say, “Listen to your heart, do the right thing,” like they are the same things.

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As a proud husband and father in my 40s, my New Year’s resolution is to sneeze even louder this year.

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She’s got style. She’s got grace. She dropped her cellphone on her face. She’s a lady.