I was feeling kinda lonely this morning so I glued a coffee cup to the top of my car so people would wave at me.

Date night idea: fight another couple.

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

A dating app that matches people by the conspiracy theories they are interested in.

First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.

They should have a section on the wing of the plane where people can go out for a cigarette.

They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.

We should be able to take our arms off when we go to sleep, we have the technology.

Hear me out, a Q-Tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away.

When I’m president, I will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm.

My retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song. I just need to learn how to sing and write music.

Getting a nose ring, so I don’t lose my keys.

Putting a blanket over my boss so he thinks it’s night time and goes to sleep.

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

I have now spread out a blue tarpaulin in the garden. I want it to look like I have a pool on Google Maps.

Police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor.

Thinking of starting a true crime podcast. Gotta explain this search history somehow.

My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea.

Feeling lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.