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5 months ago
Share →: I’m at an age where, when I’m tying my shoes, I think about what else I can do while I’m down here.

Commentary:
Ah, the multitasking mastery of adulthood! 🧦👟 Why stop at just tying shoes when you can also contemplate the secrets of the universe or solve world hunger, right? 🤔💭 Keep reaching for the stars, even from tying your shoelaces! 🌟👞 #AdultingGoals
5 months ago
Share →: I’m here by unpopular demand.

Commentary:
🎤 "Well, well, looks like someone is here by unpopular demand! 🙈 Let's give a round of applause for being everyone's least favorite party guest! 😂 Who needs popularity anyway when you've got sarcasm and self-deprecation on your side, am I right? 😜 Keep shining bright like the lone star you are, my friend! ✨"
5 months ago
Share →: I accidentally said “large” instead of “venti” at Starbucks and now the cops are here.

Commentary:
Oops! Looks like someone took their coffee order a little too seriously! 🚨 Next time, remember it's not a crime to mix up your sizes at Starbucks…unless you really needed that venti caffeine kick! 😂☕️ #CoffeeCrimes
5 months ago
Share →: College is not even mentioned once in the Bible. Somebody get me outta here.

Commentary:
"Looks like the Bible missed the syllabus on referencing higher education 📚🤷‍♂️ Maybe the disciples were too busy studying miracles and parables instead! 😄 #EscapingCollege"
5 months ago
Share →: Liquor store clerk: “Do you need help?” Me: “Yes, but I decided to come here instead.”

Commentary:
"Looks like the liquor store clerk got hit with a zinger! 🤣 Maybe they can recommend a good bottle to help with that burn! 🔥🍾 #SassyCustomer"
5 months ago
Share →: Could someone please come over here and be the adult? I’m too tired.

Commentary:
"Ah, the eternal cry for someone to adult when adulting feels like climbing Mount Everest in pajamas 🏔️😅. Time to summon the responsible fairy godparent or just take a power nap and hope for the best! 💤🧚‍♂️"
5 months ago
Share →: Aliens: We are here to take over. Me: Thank God.

Commentary:
Aliens: We are here to take over. Me: Thank God 🙏! I've been looking for an excuse to finally use my "alien invasion survival kit" 👽. Time to put those binge-watched sci-fi skills to good use! ✨🚀👾 #ReadyForTheExtraterrestrialLife.
5 months ago
Share →: Satan: “Would you please stop sacrificing animals to me. I’m not running a zoo down here.”

Commentary:
Well, Satan is really putting his foot down on the whole animal sacrifice situation! 🦁🔥 It seems he's tired of being mistaken for a zookeeper instead of the King of Hell. Maybe it's time for some self-reflection and a new hobby, Satan! 🤔😈
5 months ago
Share →: Babysitting a pair of twin babies right now and feeding them saying “here comes the airplane”. I don’t know, just feels weird.

Commentary:
"👶✈️ Buckle up, little ones! 🍼✨ Looks like those twin babies are ready for takeoff with your gourmet airplane meals! 😂✈️ Just make sure they don't request a snack trolley next. 🛒🍭 #FuturePilots #MileHighSnackClub"
5 months ago
Share →: I’m not deleting my Twitter, I was here before Elon.

Commentary:
"Who needs Elon when you've got your own cosmic Twitter vibes 🚀💫 Keep shining bright, darling! #TweetingBeforeElon"