26 Funny retirement quotes

• For all those wondering, yes, I am retired. I was tired yesterday, and I am tired again today.

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  3 weeks ago

  again, am, exhaustion, humor, i, retired, retirement, tired, today, wondering, yes, yesterday

• Retiring my wallet condom after two years of active duty. 87 tours with 0 combat deployments.

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  4 weeks ago

  active, active duty, after, combat, combat deployment, condom, deployment, duty, humor, retirement, tour, wallet, wallet condom

• I said when I retire, I would travel. I just didn’t expect it to be to the doctors.

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  2 months ago

  appointment, doctor, doctors, humor, i, just, medical, medical appointment, retire, retirement, said, travel, trip, unexpected, unexpected trip

• I’ve reached the age where I just bought a bird bath for my backyard.

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  2 months ago

  age, aging, backyard, bath, bird, bird bath, decor, humor, i, just, outdoor, outdoor decor, retirement, where

• I’m at the age where living in the woods and arguing with a raccoon sounds like a peaceful retirement plan.

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  2 months ago

  age, arguing, argument, living, peaceful, plan, raccoon, retirement, retirement plan, sounds, where, woods

• I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 a.m. and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

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  2 months ago

  6, am, around, delay, drive, driving, early, early morning, humor, i, late, leisure, morning, retire, retirement, slow, slow drive, tardiness, wait, work, work delay

• Old age is like a glorious, extended long weekend, but you always know Monday’s coming.

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  2 months ago

  age, aging, aging humor, always, coming, extended, humor, humor about aging, know, life, life perspective, Monday, old, old age, perspective, retirement, weekend

• Welcome to your 50s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.

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  2 months ago

  50s, age, age joke, aging, asleep, couch, fall, humor, joke, moment, relaxation, retirement, sitting, sleep, welcome

• To avoid burnout at work, use the 30-30 rule: after 30 minutes of work, quit your job and disappear into the mountains for 30 years.

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  2 months ago

  30, 30-30, 30-30 rule, after, avoid, balance, burnout, disappear, escape, humor, job, minutes, mountain, quit, relief, retirement, rule, stress, stress relief, work, work life, work-life balance

• Who’s going to run in movies when Tom Cruise retires?

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  2 months ago

  actor, cruise, fame, going, Hollywood, humor, joke, movy, retirement, run, tom, Tom Cruise

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