I’ve been blocked by better.

I’ve been blocked by better.

Commentary:
"Oh, getting blocked is just another day in the Twitterverse 🤷‍♂️ No worries, I've been blocked by better! 💁‍♀️😂 #BlockGameStrong"

Thinking of telling my extra weight that I love it so that it can leave me too.

Thinking of telling my extra weight that I love it so that it can leave me too.

Commentary:
"Sending out some self-love vibes to my extra weight! 💌 Maybe if I show it some love, it'll decide to leave me for someone else. 🏃‍♂️💨 #weightlossgoals #selfloveproblems"

I’m only dead on the outside.

I’m only dead on the outside.

Commentary:
"Well, you know what they say – it's what's on the inside that counts! 💀😂 But hey, at least you're keeping it lively on the exterior! 🌟 #UndeadAndProud"

What’s a good career for people with no motivation or talent?

What’s a good career for people with no motivation or talent?

Commentary:
"Professional Pillow Fluffer: Because fluffing pillows requires zero motivation or talent, just pure dedication to comfort. 💤😂 #DreamJob"

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

Commentary:
"Who said fitness couldn't be cheesy? 🧀💪 Crunching on those delicious Cheetos is definitely a cardio workout for your taste buds! 😄 #FitnessGoals"

My birthday wish is for everyone to ignore my birthday.

My birthday wish is for everyone to ignore my birthday.

Commentary:
"Breaking news: Birthday boy/girl demands zero attention on their special day! 🚫🎉 Let's grant their wish by celebrating in absolute silence… or with the quietest party ever! 🎂🤫 Who needs cake when you have peace and quiet, am I right? 😂 #BirthdayWish #IntrovertCelebration"

Person: gives compliment. Me: let me give you a brief synopsis of why you are sorely mistaken.

Person: gives compliment. Me: let me give you a brief synopsis of why you are sorely mistaken.

Commentary:
"Person: *showering me with compliments* Me: Hold on, let me just sprinkle a little reality on this 🌧️💁‍♂️ #HumbleBragging"

My life is based on a true story.

My life is based on a true story.

Commentary:
🤣 "My life is based on a true story… but it could definitely use some better editing and a few plot twists! 📚✨"

It’s okay, wobbly chair, I’m unstable too.

It’s okay, wobbly chair, I’m unstable too.

Commentary:
"Ah, the wobbly chair and I should form a support group for the unstable! 🪑😜 Who knew furniture could relate to our struggles too? Stay strong, wobbly chair, we're in this wobble together! 💪😆"

Mama didn't raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

Commentary:
"Looks like Mama's fool-proof plan had a clever twist! 🤪🃏 #SelfMadeFool #BlameItOnMyself"