I’m a “I have an appointment later, so I can’t do anything else for the rest of the day” kind of person. Posted on4 hours ago
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this. Posted on13 hours ago
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past couple years, and I was not expecting that. Posted on1 day ago
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate. Posted on3 days ago
Sorry I can’t come today. My sister’s friend’s mother’s grandpa’s brother’s grandson’s uncle’s fish died, and it was tragic. Posted on3 days ago
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke. Posted on4 days ago
“Excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries?” Me, interrupting a couple fighting. Posted on5 days ago
Welcome to your 40s. “I’m too old for this shit” is now your excuse and explanation for everything. Posted on5 days ago