Please hesitate to get in touch with me.

Please hesitate to get in touch with me.

Commentary:
"Please hesitate to get in touch with me. My procrastination game is strong 💁‍♂️⏳ Who knows when I'll eventually reply? It's a surprise for both of us! 🤣📱 #DelayTactics #MasterOfProcrastination"

Establish dominance by maintaining eye contact whilst twerking.

Establish dominance by maintaining eye contact whilst twerking.

Commentary:
"Nothing says 'I'm in charge' quite like twerking with unbreakable eye contact 🍑👀. Just make sure you pick the right audience…unless you want to establish dominance in the awkward department 😂💃"

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” and maintain eye contact.

When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” and maintain eye contact.

Commentary:
"When they ask 'how was your weekend?' just reply 'better than yours' with a wink 😉 and hold that eye contact like a boss! 😎 Who needs modesty when you've got sass, right? 🤷‍♂️"

Farting, but with eye contact.

Farting, but with eye contact.

Commentary:
Oh, so you’re taking farting to a whole new level – now with eye contact 👁️💨! Nothing says "good manners" like asserting dominance in the most unconventional way possible. Next time, maybe throw in a wink for extra flair 😉.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

Don’t even bother contacting me on the Ouija Board after I die. I barely answer my texts now.

Commentary:
Sure thing! How about this: "If you think I'm bad at texting now, just wait until I'm ghosting you on the Ouija Board! 👻📱 #TextsFromTheAfterlife"

Dating apps? No thanks, if I wanted to talk to someone for hours and accomplish nothing, I'd contact tech support.

Dating apps? No thanks, if I wanted to talk to someone for hours and accomplish nothing, I’d contact tech support.

Commentary:
"Who needs dating apps when you can have the riveting experience of conversing with tech support for hours without any progress 😂💔 #ModernDatingStruggles"

Alcohol and eye contact is a deadly combo.

Alcohol and eye contact is a deadly combo.

Commentary:
"Ah yes, the classic recipe for social disaster! 🍸👀 Just add a splash of liquid courage and a sprinkle of intense gazes, and voilà – you've got yourself a cocktail of chaos! Proceed with caution, folks. 😂🚫"

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then do the exact opposite of what I just said.

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then do the exact opposite of what I just said.

Commentary:
Ah, the classic teenage maneuver! 👀🙉🙅‍♂️ It's like they have a Ph.D. in selective hearing and rebellious behavior! 🤣 Maybe we should start taking notes from them on how to expertly navigate the art of subtle defiance. 📝😜 #TeenageWisdom

Not leaving the house and not having contact with other people. The punishments of my childhood are now my hobbies.

Not leaving the house and not having contact with other people. The punishments of my childhood are now my hobbies.

Commentary:
"Who would have thought that social distancing could become a walk down memory lane? Childhood punishments turned hobbies – talk about a blast from the past! 🏠😷 #TheUnintentionalThrowback"

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.

Commentary:
Well, that's one sneaky pup! 😂🐶 It seems like your dog knows how to keep you on your toes with their unpredictable antics. Who knew our furry friends could be such masters of deception? Just imagine the mischief they get up to when we're not around! 🐾 #DoggyDrama