358 Funny ever quotes

• If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

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  2 weeks ago

  bitter, bitter end, comfort, dark, dark humor, end, ever, feel, humor, i, knowing, mouth, murder, ran, ran mouth, sarcasm

• If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

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  2 weeks ago

  assurance, context, death, die, ever, fishy, going, hill, humor, i, rest, something

• Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

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  2 weeks ago

  anything, ever, frustration, hot, humor, i, irony, lawsuits, me, misunderstanding, rage, revelation, show, Suits, television, wear, white

• Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

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  2 weeks ago

  actually, can opener, cool, ever, everyday, everyday life, humor, kitchen, kitchen tool, life, opener, practicality, relationship, sex, tool, works

• If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

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  2 weeks ago

  accident, accidentally, bath, cat, chaos, ever, humor, mishap, pet

• I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me.

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  2 weeks ago

  ever, every, forget, fridge, humor, i, irony, life, life observation, me, memory, observation, remember, time, wrong, wronged

• Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

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  2 weeks ago

  after, ever, humor, irony, names, naming, notice, observation, place, place names, tower, town, water, water tower

• I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life, I will be notified immediately.

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  2 weeks ago

  alert, bracelet, ever, humor, i, irony, joke, just, life, life alert, notified, self-awareness

• I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

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  2 weeks ago

  bad, bad news, broken, broken machine, cream, denial, denied, ever, humor, i, ice, ice cream, job, machine, McDonald’s, news, people, told, ugly, used, work

• I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

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  2 weeks ago

  advice, best, buy, ever, give, harmonica, humor, i, learning, lot, music, never, over, someone, used

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