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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇿🇲 has bookmarked:

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Someone from 🇲🇽 has viewed:

Staying up all night so I don’t miss any good posts.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has shared:

Eating cookies left for Santa because the cowboy was a no show.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has downloaded:

ASAP can also mean as slow as possible.

Someone from 🇱🇮 has downloaded:

I love canceling plans. I didn’t want to go in the first place. I just wanted to be invited.

Someone from 🇦🇴 has copied:

The only ‘survival horror’ game I play is called ‘getting up every day and leaving the house.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has downloaded:

Tupperware is a fun way to store your leftovers until you throw them away.

Someone from 🇿🇦 has shared:

Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has copied:

If you’re feeling a little uneasy about the state of global geopolitics, remember to spend as much time on your phone as possible. The more information you ingest as you scroll, the calmer you will become.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has copied:

For the record, I use a turntable.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on Discord:

My favorite part about standing in line is watching the other lines move more quickly.

Going bananas on Telegram:

You look like you suck at Mario Kart.

Just shared via X:

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Freshly posted on Threads:

That boring, introverted life you’re living has probably protected you from a lot of harm and bad experiences.

Just landed via TikTok:

I can’t do the splits. But so far there has never been a situation where I’ve thought, “I should do the splits now.”

Breaking via Threads:

If I’m not spoken to, my morning grumpiness goes almost unnoticed.

Trending via WeChat:

Feels like if cicadas are allowed to just sit in a tree and scream, I should also be.

Shared recently on Messenger:

I bet my soulmate is out there somewhere pretending everything is fine.

Just shared via Threads:

That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless.

Spotted on Reddit:

When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.

68 Funny modern quotes

More funny modern quotes 👇

Having a horse run off on you in medieval times must have been crazy. Imagine if your car got scared and ran away, and you found it a day later by itself at a gas station.

3 weeks ago

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The most romantic minds of our time are being subjected to situationships.

3 weeks ago

being, dating, life, love, love life, mind, minds, modern, modern love, most, relationship, romance, romantic, romantic mind, situationship, time
We seriously need to bring back courting. What the hell is ‘wyd tonight?’ Arrive on a horse and bring flowers like a man.

3 weeks ago

back, bring, courting, dating, flower, flowers, hell, horse, humor, man, message, modern, modern dating, need, old fashioned, romance, seriously, text, text message, tonight
Phones are wild… we really just sit around tapping glass all day.

3 weeks ago

addiction, around, day, glass, humor, just, life, modern, modern life, phone, phones, screen, sit, smartphone, tapping, technology, wild
It’s a fabulous time to be alive if you love: verification codes, verifying your email, yelling ‘REAL PERSON’ into a phone at a robot, reading nightmarish news all day, every day, hot.

3 weeks ago

alive, call, code, codes, day, email, email verification, every, fabulous, frustration, hot, humor, life, love, modern, modern life, news, nightmare, person, phone, phone call, reading, real, robot, time, verification, verification code, yelling
Sometimes I wanna delete all my social media and throw my phone into a river.

3 weeks ago

delete, detox, digital, digital detox, frustration, humor, i, life, media, modern, modern life, phone, relief, river, social, social media, sometimes, stress, stress relief, technology, throw
Nudes are outdated. Send me a video of you reading out loud so I know you’re not dumb.

3 weeks ago

communication, dating, dumb, humor, i, intelligence, know, loud, me, modern, modern dating, nude, nudes, outdated, reading, send, video
You either die a people pleaser, or live long enough to start leaving texts on read.

3 weeks ago

behavior, communication, die, enough, humor, leaving, life, live, messaging, modern, modern life, people, people pleaser, pleaser, read, read receipt, receipt, social, social behavior, start, text, texts

For even more funny modern quotes, hit next 👇

All funny modern quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Social Media Stars ⭐

58 shares on Slack this month:

I have no need to judge people because of their religion, skin color or sexual orientation. Bad behavior is enough for me.

84 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I said it was my favorite show, I didn’t say it was good.

58 shares on Pinterest this month:

Brushing your teeth at night is a hellish chore. Walking from bed to bathroom feels harder than working in the mines all day. I’m getting pissed just thinking about it.

85 shares on Messenger this month:

Let’s take a family trip in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, trips, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

90 shares on Reddit this month:

Thoughts & prayers to all of us back at work tomorrow after the colossal mistake of thinking we’d be lads of leisure forever, for some reason.

32 shares on Pinterest this month:

There’s just one legitimate synonym for Friday: boom shakalaka.

19 shares on LinkedIn this month:

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life, I’ll be notified immediately.

79 shares on Slack this month:

Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly? I feel that way about far too many people.

69 shares on Pinterest this month:

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.

88 shares on WhatsApp this month:

It’s not a competition, but if it was I would win.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇰🇳 has downloaded:

Sausage might clog my arteries, but it lubricates my soul.

Someone from 🇵🇾 has copied:

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”. I don’t even know where that is.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has bookmarked:

I’m sick of waking up thinking about the government, and going to bed thinking about the government.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has copied:

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband.

Someone from 🇹🇲 has shared:

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has copied:

You look like you take lavender bubble baths with rose petals, surrounded by candles, bro.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has viewed:

Self-checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has bookmarked:

People who ask “Can I call you” are so sweet. Like, obviously you cannot, but so sweet.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has viewed:

Keep your temper. Nobody else wants it.

Someone from 🇱🇹 has viewed:

Commenting “AI slop” on a high school acquaintance’s Instagram post of their newborn baby.

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on Instagram:

We should just cancel April Fools Day this year. No prank can top reality right now.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

Life is way too short to pretend you’re not into some freaky stuff.

Live now on Discord:

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

Just landed via Facebook:

My mom be cutting up fruit and bringing it to me in my room without saying nothing. That’s when it hits me, nobody ever gonna love me this much.

Just shared via Telegram:

I don’t have bad handwriting, I’m just using my own font.

Trending via Facebook:

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Freshly posted on Discord:

“I’m fluent in creating worst-case scenarios in my head.”

Live now on WeChat:

If you’re offended by bacon, the United States of America isn’t for you.

Broadcasted on YouTube:

Not the sharpest cheddar on the charcuterie board.

Just shared via Threads:

Telemarketer: “Hello, am I speaking to the head of the household?” Me, handing the phone to my cat: “It’s for you.”

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68 Funny modern quotes

More funny modern quotes 👇

All funny modern quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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