I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count. Posted on1 hour ago
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds. Posted on1 hour ago
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh, that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.” Posted on3 hours ago
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up. Posted on3 hours ago
Nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple. Posted on5 hours ago
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad.” Posted on11 hours ago
God, on inventing the tiger: “Okay, so this is going to be some kind of cat that likes to eat Frosted Flakes.” Posted on20 hours ago
My main takeaway from ‘The Walking Dead’ is that you can still eat the expired canned goods in your pantry. Posted on20 hours ago
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down. Posted on20 hours ago
The class: “You want us to do what?” Super Mario: “Jump around, catch and eat the giant mushroom, bang your head against the crates and, if necessary, crush all the critters. It’sa easy!” Posted on21 hours ago
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat. Posted on1 day ago
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive, I might as well go to therapy. Posted on1 day ago
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell. Well, he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant. Posted on2 days ago
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.” Posted on2 days ago
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow. Posted on2 days ago
Hey! Sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave. Posted on2 days ago
That awesome moment when you open the fridge and the first thing you see is the thing you wanted to eat. Posted on2 days ago
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate. Posted on2 days ago
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong. When exactly does the strong part kick in? Posted on2 days ago
Worst part about not buying snacks so you won’t eat snacks is not having snacks when you need a lil snack. Posted on2 days ago
If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat? Posted on3 days ago
When I’m at a party, I pretend to be Pac-Man. I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me. Posted on3 days ago
Best lie you heard was eat all your food so you can be big and strong. Now look at you. Just big. Posted on3 days ago
How long past date can I eat eggs? Like are they still good or am I naming them now? Posted on3 days ago
Handle every stressful situation like a dog. If you can’t eat or play with it, just pee on it and walk away. Posted on3 days ago
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds. Posted on4 days ago
Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe. Posted on4 days ago
Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I ate right and took care of my body? I’m not gonna do it, but can you imagine? Posted on4 days ago