25 Funny humorist quotes — Wordgag ツ

When you’re sad, find two equally sad friends and form a cryangle.

3 months ago3 months ago

If at first you don’t succeed, the internet will let you know immediately.

3 months ago3 months ago

‘Another bombshell has entered the villa!’ I say to myself as I walk in the front door of my own home.

3 months ago3 months ago

My girlfriend treats me like a god. She ignores my existence and only talks to me when she needs something.

3 months ago3 months ago

Yogurts should come in a five-pack, not a four-pack, or make the workweek four days.

3 months ago3 months ago

Asking my dentist a question, but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies.

3 months ago3 months ago

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

3 months ago3 months ago

More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.

3 months ago3 months ago

I assume people who bookmark my posts are building a case against me.

3 months ago3 months ago

I’d post more pics, but I don’t want y’all falling in love all at once.

3 months ago3 months ago

True bravery is getting a text from a woman with three questions in it, and only responding to one.

3 months ago3 months ago

I got so lost there for a minute (several years).

3 months ago3 months ago

I might not put the sparkle in your eyes, but I’ll definitely put the “WTF” wrinkles in your forehead.

3 months ago3 months ago

It’s so cool when people who write for a living admit that they don’t read books or have thoughts.

3 months ago3 months ago

Serious replies to silly posts are now illegal. Go talk to your wife.

3 months ago3 months ago

The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time, so it’s more of a surprise.

3 months ago3 months ago

Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will be acting weird today.

3 months ago3 months ago

Some things are better left alone, like me, for instance.

3 months ago3 months ago

I’m the friend who shows up with a shovel and an alibi.

4 months ago4 months ago

I don’t like to call it a xenomorph — I prefer the term “the alien from Alien.”

4 months ago4 months ago