My favorite type of gender reveal is the one where they just tell me and I don't have to go to a party to find out.

My favorite type of gender reveal is the one where they just tell me and I don’t have to go to a party to find out.

Commentary:
"Who needs a confetti cannon when you can have the gender intel delivered straight to your inbox? 🎉 No need for pink or blue cupcakes, just spill the beans and let's get on with it! 🎊 #GenderRevealConvenience"

If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, inhale some helium then tell Him your plans.

Commentary:
"Oh, the cosmic giggle that must echo through the heavens when we try to impress the big guy with our squeaky ambitions! 🎈😂 Just imagine God chuckling as we float away with our high-pitched dreams! 🤣 #DivineHumor"

In the 90s, you could tell who won the rap battle by who was still alive.

In the 90s, you could tell who won the rap battle by who was still alive.

Commentary:
"Ah, the good ol' 90s rap battles: where survival was the ultimate flex! 💥💀 Let's just say, winning those battles was a real 'life or death' situation back then! 😂🎤 #RapBattleRoyale"

"It could be drugs," I tell myself as I buy more books.

“It could be drugs,” I tell myself as I buy more books.

Commentary:
"Who needs drugs when you have a good book high? 📚💊 Just remember, reading may cause a permanent addiction to imagination and knowledge! 😄 #BookwormLife"

I keep forgetting i’m at the age where people will tell me they’re pregnant and my reaction is supposed to be positive.

I keep forgetting i’m at the age where people will tell me they’re pregnant and my reaction is supposed to be positive.

Commentary:
"Ah, the joys of finally reaching that age where the appropriate response to news of pregnancy isn't just panic and confusion 😅👶 Congratulations on reaching this milestone of adulting where feigning excitement becomes a necessary skill! 🎉"

You tell people you're not trying to drink and they act like you just turned down 100k.

You tell people you’re not trying to drink and they act like you just turned down 100k.

Commentary:
🤣 "When you decline that drink like a boss and suddenly everyone is questioning your life choices! Who knew sobriety could be in such high demand? It's like you just declined a winning lottery ticket! 💰 Cheers to being a party pooper, I mean, responsible adult! 🥤 #LifeChoices"

If I was the inventor of healing, I would have made it linear, I can tell you that much.

If I was the inventor of healing, I would have made it linear, I can tell you that much.

Commentary:
"If I was the inventor of healing, I would have made it linear, I can tell you that much. But alas, the circle of battling those pesky ailments never ends! 🔄💊 #HealingWoes"

My signature move is forgetting someone’s name 2 seconds after they tell me.

My signature move is forgetting someone’s name 2 seconds after they tell me.

Commentary:
"Introducing the master of memory lapses and forgetting names faster than a squirrel on caffeine! 🤷‍♂️💥 Say hello to the Forget-Me-Not King/Queen! 🤣👑 #NameGameStrong"

You can tell a lot about a person by breaking into their home and going through their belongings.

You can tell a lot about a person by breaking into their home and going through their belongings.

Commentary:
"Remember, folks, breaking and entering is not the recommended method of getting to know your neighbors 👀🚪🕵️‍♂️. Stick to a friendly chat over the fence instead! 😅🏡 #NeighborhoodWatch #PersonalSpace"

So you mean to tell me a stress ball is not for throwing at people who stress you out?

So you mean to tell me a stress ball is not for throwing at people who stress you out?

Commentary:
"Apparently, the stress ball is meant for squishing, not launching! 🤔 Maybe we should stick to deep breaths instead of aiming for accuracy. 😂 #stressmanagementgoneawry"