168 Funny tell quotes

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  5 days ago

  View →: An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
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  1 week ago

  View →: The male urge to tell you what business used to be located there back in his day.
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  2 weeks ago

  View →: We’re putting that movie you love back in theaters on one random Wednesday — and we’re not gonna tell you until Tuesday.
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  3 weeks ago

  View →: You can always tell it’s Monday because nobody’s smiling.
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  4 weeks ago

  View →: All the best memories with my dad start with “Don’t tell your mom about this.”
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  4 weeks ago

  View →: “Why don’t you tell us anything anymore?” I’ve updated my privacy policy.
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  1 month ago

  View →: I would rather walk directly into the ocean than tell people a fun fact about myself.
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  1 month ago

  View →: Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up; we had to manually roll up our cars’ windows.
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  1 month ago

  View →: When people tell me “you’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep until noon because I am a problem solver.
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  2 months ago

  View →: I’ll never tell anyone your secret because that would mean talking to people.
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  2 months ago

  View →: What’s a polite way to tell someone you hope they get mauled by a bear?
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  2 months ago

  View →: So you mean to tell me a stress ball is not for throwing at people who stress you out.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning.
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  3 months ago

  View →: People that tell us what sex gods they are, what do you want us to do with that information?
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  3 months ago

  View →: The awkward moment when someone’s zipper is down and you don’t know whether to tell them or not.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Sometimes I can’t tell if I’m in preschool or school… Oh wait, I’m at work.
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  3 months ago

  View →: I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
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  3 months ago

  View →: I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our car windows.
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  3 months ago

  View →: I don’t need a fancy watch to tell me I’m not fit one bit.
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  3 months ago

  View →: I named my dog “5 Miles,” so I can tell people I walk 5 miles every day.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Date idea: you hold my hand while I call the dentist and you tell me I’m so brave.
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  3 months ago

  View →: Don’t forget to tell yourself more lies today.
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  3 months ago

  View →: If I ever win the lottery and decide to invest in a billboard company, I won’t tell anyone; but there will be signs.
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  3 months ago

  View →: I love when kids tell me what they want to be when they grow up, because I’m still looking for ideas.
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  3 months ago

  View →: No email needs to tell me not to reply.
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  3 months ago

  View →: I lied, there’s no sex. Stand over there and tell me if this painting I’m hanging is straight.

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