166 Funny new quotes

• 

  1 week ago

  Share →: People text “Happy New Year” and go missing for the rest of the year!

  Commentary:
  "New year, new me… and by 'me' I mean ghost mode activated for 364 days! 👻📅✨"

• 

  1 week ago

  Share →: I hate starting new relationships. I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

  Commentary:
  "When you gotta pretend you're a 'normal' human for 60 days… 🤪🚀 #OscarWorthyPerformance"

• 

  2 weeks ago

  Share →: My new phone is being delivered by Amazon, which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.

  Commentary:
  "Can't wait to see my phone's travel vlog before it becomes my personal spy! 📱🕵️‍♂️🚚 #ItKnowsTooMuch"

• 

  2 weeks ago

  Share →: My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.

  Commentary:
  "Guess my PJs are practicing social distancing from drama! 😆🛌🚫🗣️"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: Being an adult is getting excited about buying new appliances.

  Commentary:
  "When your heart skips a beat because your toaster has a bagel button! 🥯✨ #AdultLifeGoals"

• 

  3 weeks ago

  Share →: Sorry, can’t. I’m too busy growing new neural pathways to make space for a stranger’s opinion. Evolution takes bandwidth, man.

  Commentary:
  "BRB, upgrading my brain software. Please hold while I process your opinion! 🧠🔄😂"

• 

  4 weeks ago

  Share →: Crying while wearing a backpack has unlocked a new level of humiliation I did not know was possible.

  …

  Commentary:
  "Next up: crying while doing a plank in a crowded gym! 😅🎒😭 #FitnessEmotions"

• 

  4 weeks ago

  Share →: No, I didn’t eat enough protein today, but I did think of you with enough intensity to generate new muscle tissue in my heart.

  …

  Commentary:
  "Who needs protein shakes when I've got you giving my heart a workout? 💪❤️😂"

• 

  1 month ago

  Share →: There is a giant spider on my dash so I’m going to have to buy a new car now.

  Commentary:
  "Time to upgrade from 4 wheels to 8 legs! 🕷️🚗💸"

• 

  1 month ago

  Share →: Discovered a new coping mechanism called lashing out and making your loved ones resent you.

  Commentary:
  "Ah, the classic 'make everyone mad and see who sticks around' strategy! 😅🔥 #NotRecommended"

For even more funny new quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny new quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌