I’m of the very strong opinion that sex ed should be taught by a woman 37 weeks into her third pregnancy, while her husband sits scrolling through his phone, and her other two children run wild.

Commentary:
Having a seasoned pro teach sex ed is like learning to swim from a shark—you're definitely getting the real deal! 🦈😅📱

If you really wanna piss someone off when introducing them, make little finger quotation marks in the air when announcing their job title.

Commentary:
Oh yeah, my "job" is definitely a "real" career… so I'm doing just "great" 😂✌️

I feel like this holiday season, it’s important to remind people of the true meaning of Christmas: ghosts terrorizing rich people in the middle of the night until they agree to pay their employees more.

Commentary:
When you realize the holiday spirit is just a spooky HR meeting with festive lights 👻🎄🤑

The modern condition is mostly trying to do things on your own that people have historically achieved with a large support network, and wondering why you’re tired all the time.

Commentary:
Sounds like my support network now consists entirely of caffeine and Wi-Fi 😂☕️📶

I got Botox, and I asked the doctor, “How many years younger will this make me look?” and he was like, “Zero. You’ll just look like the other girls your age who have also gotten Botox.”

Commentary:
"Botox: when you're not competing with time, just the other Botox club members! 😆💉👵✨"