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5,000+ funny quotes

Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites, so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

I wish I had a friend like me.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness.

Funny Quotes June 29, 2024

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

Asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can.

Funny Quotes June 16, 2024

Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.

Funny Quotes September 29, 2023

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Funny Quotes October 17, 2023

There are people who know when to reply all and when not to reply all, and none of them work at your company.

Funny Quotes September 4, 2024

Restaurant toilets are dangerous! So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Funny Quotes September 17, 2024

Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions, chocolate understands.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.

Funny Quotes September 11, 2024

Would pay $10 a month for Summer Premium Package without wasps.

Funny Quotes May 6, 2024

Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023

My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.

Funny Quotes September 22, 2023