Are you mad at me? Have you been mad at me? Will you be mad at me? When will you be mad at me? Posted on4 weeks ago4 weeks ago
God, is there anything worse than when someone wants to show you a video? Posted on3 weeks ago3 weeks ago
Sure, you can invite more people to the plans we made 2 months ago. The more, the merrier. Also, I’m not going now. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
Musk goes “exactly,” and it’s the stupidest tweet you’ve ever read in your entire life. Posted on3 weeks ago3 weeks ago
You don’t even have to date, by the way. You can just take a break from love and then randomly meet the actual love of your life somewhere you weren’t even supposed to be. Posted on4 weeks ago4 weeks ago
Amazon cart: Order now and it will arrive today. Amazon confirmation email: LOL, just kidding, it’ll be a week from tomorrow. Posted on4 weeks ago4 weeks ago
Hair is unwashed, so I obviously feel like I’m fundamentally unlovable. Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
Men playing hard to get when they’re already hard to want, is so funny to me. Posted on4 weeks ago4 weeks ago
That thing they say about getting drunk with the love of your life in a walkable city is no joke. It hits like crack. Posted on4 weeks ago4 weeks ago
I admire how, when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it. Posted on3 weeks ago3 weeks ago
Men absolutely love buying the same shirt in four almost identical colors and saying, ‘Yep, that’ll do me for the next three years.’ Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
I like that linguists chose the term ‘loan words,’ implying that one day we’ll get them back. Posted on47 minutes ago47 minutes ago
Unfortunately, when you don’t burden people with your problems, they assume you don’t have any. Lol. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
The whole “read before you go to bed to get sleepy” thing does not apply to me because I will be up till 5 a.m. if the book is worth it. Posted on4 weeks ago4 weeks ago
I love when my friends have quiet boyfriends. Like, girl, your dog is so good, sis. Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas, I’d make them play Mario Party with me. Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
Can you imagine if AI ever evolves into trying to kill us, and the thing that saves us is one of Cloudflare’s outages? Posted on4 weeks ago4 weeks ago
With my staggering 91% survival rate, you’d be a fool to hire another dog sitter. Posted on6 days ago6 days ago
Life hack: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday. Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
If you ever wanted to know anything about me, just get me a bottle of wine, and you will, in fact, find out in about 10 minutes. Posted on1 week ago1 week ago
I don’t understand, “kill them with kindness”; can I use a lightsaber instead? Posted on4 weeks ago4 weeks ago
What’s it called when you mentally want to be horny but you’re physically not at all? Posted on4 weeks ago4 weeks ago
The best part about NYC is you literally see a brand new, hottest woman in your entire life every single day. Posted on3 weeks ago3 weeks ago
Someone needs to invent a theater seat that forcefully ejects you through the roof if you take your phone out during a movie. Posted on2 days ago2 days ago
Jesus invited prostitutes to dinner and was praised for compassion. I do it, and suddenly I ‘made Christmas awkward.’ Posted on4 days ago4 days ago
They’re bluffing when they say you can still get knocked off the nice list this late in the game. Santa’s been delivering gifts in Japan for hours by now; that list is locked. Do whatever you want. Posted on7 days ago7 days ago