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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇱🇮 has viewed:

Livin’ la vida vodka!

Someone from 🇰🇿 has viewed:

Don’t worry, better days are coming. They are called Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Someone from 🇸🇪 has shared:

Gonna start using “with all dude respect”.

Someone from 🇹🇻 has copied:

We don’t make people walk the plank like we used to.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has bookmarked:

Be the horrifying lore of your family’s lineage.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has bookmarked:

The lion does not concern himself with social proof.

Someone from 🇱🇾 has copied:

The cost of living has gotten so high, I’m thinking about having a nap for dinner.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has shared:

Landlord: I’m raising your rent. Me: Am I getting a bigger house?

Someone from 🇮🇪 has shared:

I have now learned the moonwalk. It’s visually the coolest way to get fresh dog poop off the soles of your shoes.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has downloaded:

Having a Bible verse in your bio doesn’t make you a good person.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via YouTube:

People who remember to drink water, what’s that like?

Making waves on WhatsApp:

For once, I would just like to underthink a situation. How do you guys do that?

Just shared via Snapchat:

Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe

Breaking via LinkedIn:

I don’t need a recipe for disaster. I usually just eyeball it.

Breaking via Instagram:

I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.

Freshly posted on Instagram:

My most boomer belief is that you can often get a malfunctioning appliance to work again by slapping it.

Trending via WhatsApp:

I crashed my bike in 1989 and hurt my knee real bad. We didn’t have social media back then so I’m telling you guys now.

Trending via Pinterest:

Used dark mode so much that I became physically repulsed when I see a white screen.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

I put the “pro” in procrastinate.

157 Funny best quotes

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Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up early so she can bite you excitedly.

1 week ago

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Daniel Craig leaving Bond to become Benoit Blanc is one of the best things to ever happen.

1 week ago

actor, actor switch, benoit, Benoit Blanc, best, blanc, bond, celebrity, character, comedy, craig, daniel, Daniel Craig, ever, film, film character, happen, humor, james, James Bond, leaving, movie, movie role, role, switch, things
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.

1 week ago

air, air mattress, best, comfort, etiquette, guest, guest etiquette, hospitality, houseguest, humor, mattress, social, social humor, stay, tell, too, visitor
The best cuddles are the ones where you don’t have to deflate her when you’re done.

1 week ago

activity, affectionate, best, cuddle, done, fun, fun activity, humor, intimacy, lighthearted, ones, relationship, where
Accidentally falling asleep is always the best sleep — and that’s so irritating.

1 week ago

accidental, accidental sleep, accidentally, always, asleep, best, falling, frustration, humor, humorous, irony, irritation, nap, sleep
Sunsets and women are undoubtedly God’s best creations.

1 week ago

admiration, beauty, best, gods, humor, nature, sunset, woman, women
Best tips for saving money: lay down and don’t move.

1 week ago

advice, best, financial, financial tips, funny advice, humor, joke, lay, laziness, money, money-saving, move, relaxation, saving, tips
All the best memories with my dad start with “Don’t tell your mom about this.”

1 week ago

best, childhood, dad, family, fun, humor, memory, mischievous, mom, parenting, prank, secret, start, tell
I do not like FaceTime unless we’re best friends or I’m in love with you.

1 week ago

best, communication, Facetime, friends, friendship, humor, i, love, media, relationships, social, social media, technology
Third wheeling with two girls who are best friends is so much worse than third wheeling a couple.

1 week ago

awkwardness, best, couple, dating, friends, friendship, girls, humor, jealousy, much, situation, social, social situation, third, third wheel, wheel, worse

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17 shares on WhatsApp this month:

I think I’m emotionally constipated because I haven’t given a shit in months.

54 shares on Messenger this month:

My therapist said I should face my fears. So I turned my phone back on.

81 shares on Facebook this month:

How many sit-ups do I have to do before I get a six-pack? Please say 5.

13 shares on Messenger this month:

Playing dead when a cop pulls me over.

18 shares on Messenger this month:

Never eat more than you can lift.

95 shares on TikTok this month:

Are we all getting a front-row seat to the end times, or what?

53 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.

57 shares on LinkedIn this month:

They should invent something in between coffee and narcotics.

31 shares on Threads this month:

The only things that are really cool in my company are my salary and me.

20 shares on Pinterest this month:

Every time I stand up, my dog gets excited as hell. He understands that I’m a real man who can make shit happen at any given moment.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇰🇳 has bookmarked:

How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine?

Someone from 🇧🇹 has bookmarked:

Normalize saying, “Just as the oracle foretold,” when things go your way.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has copied:

The thing about sleep is that I’d like to get some of it.

Someone from 🇩🇲 has shared:

Be bold, be italic, but never regular.

Someone from 🇸🇲 has copied:

Be the elephant you wish to see in the room.

Someone from 🇺🇾 has viewed:

My children are very helpful. For example, when I ask them to do something, they suggest a different child that could do it instead.

Someone from 🇰🇼 has bookmarked:

I told myself I’d behave today. Then I saw my reflection and thought, maybe tomorrow.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has copied:

RIP to everyone killed by the Gods for their hubris, but I’m different. And better. Maybe even better than the Gods.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has shared:

This year has gone by so quick. Christmas is basically tomorrow.

Someone from 🇹🇲 has copied:

Can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair. Whatever you say, gorgeous.

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via X:

Life hack: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Making waves on X:

All of humanities problems could be solved with a large meteor.

Seen just now on Twitch:

Every year, just in time for Christmas, when it’s freezing cold, the Coca Cola truck shows up. Now, in this freaking heat, it’s nowhere to be seen.

Broadcasted on Messenger:

I think my dad just eradicated a small village with his sneeze.

Freshly posted on WeChat:

Apple, who gives you permission to turn the brightness down again when I’ve just turned it up?

Just shared via WhatsApp:

You can reach me by butterfly.

Shared recently on Telegram:

Nothing betrays your age more than the slang you won’t let go of.

Seen just now on Slack:

We don’t make people walk the plank like we used to.

Just landed via Instagram:

I’m proud of myself because, despite having so many expenses, I still manage to add more.

Spreading quickly via Reddit:

Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?

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157 Funny best quotes

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