358 Funny ever quotes

Funny ever quotes are like the confetti of language, sprinkling a little buzz into the mundane. They’re the cheeky winks from history’s class clowns, the verbal high-fives that transform dull moments into laugh-out-loud memories. Whether you’re seeking a giggle, a snort, or a full-on belly laugh, these gems are your go-to. So grab your favorite beverage, sit back, and dive into a world where words wear clown shoes and every punchline lands like a feather on your funny bone. Get ready to LOL and maybe even ROFL!

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

2 months ago

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

2 months ago

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

2 months ago

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.

2 months ago

358 Funny ever quotes

Money talks, but all mine ever says is goodbye.

Not to brag, but no one has ever accused me of trying too hard.

I read classics because my FOMO is making me want to understand every reference ever.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock. We all know that communication is the key.

Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.

You ever look at yourself on the self-checkout camera and think, “wow, I better write my will.”

Any time I have ever uttered the phrase “no worries” I have been lying. There are many worries.

Sex is cool but have you ever had a king size bed all to yourself.

The most expensive clothing you’ll ever wear is a hospital gown.

If I’m ever the problem, you’re the reason.

You ever wake up in the morning and your first thought is ‘I can’t wait to go to bed tonight’?

Did you ever stop to ask how Mercury feels about being in retrograde? No, because you only think about yourself.

Have you ever met someone and thought that you couldn’t wait to spend the rest of your life without them?

If you ever have a crush on someone and want it to end, listen to a podcast they are on.

Every girl’s personal hell is being too excited about their birthday and it ends up being the worst day ever.

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.

If I’m ever found dead in the woods, it’s probably because I was trying to pet a bear.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly. Because communication is key.

The closest I have ever come to bungee jumping was when I was born.

(Making small talk with a couple) So have you guys ever cheated on each other?

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

Ever since I was a little kid, I knew that I wanted to be late for work.

If I ever went to jail for murder, it would be for murdering my printer.

Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time.

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help.

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities.

Meds have done more for me than any man ever could.

If my son ever came out as gay, I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice.

If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

If I ever die on some hill, rest assured, something fishy is going on.

Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.

Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?

If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me.

Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life, I will be notified immediately.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken. So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream.

I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.