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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇻🇺 has copied:

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

Someone from 🇨🇦 has copied:

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

Someone from 🇳🇱 has bookmarked:

Pizza rolls are comfort food because they look like little pillows.

Someone from 🇱🇸 has bookmarked:

I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has downloaded:

Playing Mortal Kombat at an arcade in the 90’s would fix me.

Someone from 🇸🇳 has shared:

I’ll never tell anyone your secret because that would mean talking to people.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has copied:

Don’t come to my house unannounced. I will stare at you from my window.

Someone from 🇦🇬 has bookmarked:

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has downloaded:

When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has copied:

Curious that talented athletes frequently credit God when they win, but we rarely see them blame God when they lose.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via YouTube:

Life is strange. We come into the world with nothing, then we struggle for everything, and finally, we leave with nothing.

Seen just now on Instagram:

It’s never too early to start making bad decisions.

Live now on Twitch:

I get jealous when I find someone playing a song I thought only I knew.

Spreading quickly via Snapchat:

Dogs have two jobs: calm their humans when they are stressed. Stress their humans when they are calm.

Trending via Facebook:

The devil couldn’t reach me so he made sure my love life was bullshit.

Broadcasted on Telegram:

French is bullshit. They keep changing the translation of ‘soup du jour’ each day.

Spotted on Messenger:

Big accounts just say water is wet and get 1 trillion likes.

Seen just now on Discord:

A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

Whoops, lost myself for about eight years there.

Spreading quickly via Instagram:

Instead of renting an apartment, I’m going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it.

35 Funny faster quotes

More funny faster quotes 👇

One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.

3 weeks ago

airport, being, dad, family, faster, fun, humor, important, parenting, pretty, rest, travel, walking
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision.

3 weeks ago

activity, always, better, decision, escalator, faster, humor, i, move, next, people, prove, stairs, whenever
The only thing that has grown faster than rents in recent years is the overtime we have to work to pay them.

3 weeks ago

cost, cost of living, economy, faster, financial, financial stress, grown, growth, housing, living, money, overtime, pay, rent, stress, thing, work
My 3 weeks without sweets were over after 12 hours. Proof that time runs faster with increasing age.

3 weeks ago

12, age, dieting, faster, hours, humor, over, perspective, proof, runs, sweets, temptation, time, weeks
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.

3 weeks ago

advice, away, faster, getting, humor, keep, kids, life, life advice, older, parenting, problems, running
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.

3 weeks ago

choice, embarrassment, fashion, faster, looking, looks, nothing, outfit, regret, teens, whisper
Nothing humbles me faster than my phone camera accidentally turning on.

3 weeks ago

accidental, accidental photo, accidentally, camera, embarrassment, faster, humor, me, nothing, phone, phone camera, photo, selfie, surprise, technology, turning
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

3 weeks ago

bright, faster, hear, humor, intelligence, light, people, perception, sound, speak, wit
Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.

3 weeks ago

caffeine, coffee, drinking, faster, hot, humor, irony, lap, morning, spill, wake
Nobody views your story faster than someone who doesn’t talk to you.

3 weeks ago

attention, communication, faster, humor, interaction, irony, media, nobody, relationship, social, social media, someone, story, talk, views

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All funny faster quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

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Social Media Stars ⭐

51 shares on Pinterest this month:

I find it hard to believe I used to just answer my phone when it rang. No caller ID. No idea who was calling. Just picked it up and said “hello” like a goddam daredevil.

95 shares on YouTube this month:

I do my best to kill everyone with kindness, but they don’t seem to be dying.

44 shares on Reddit this month:

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down?

93 shares on Facebook this month:

I’m here by unpopular demand.

64 shares on X this month:

Accidentally made eye contact with the sweets at the grocery store and now have to declare bankruptcy.

31 shares on Reddit this month:

Thought you guys should know this was only Monday. It’s also still Monday.

78 shares on Pinterest this month:

Cops wake up Christmas morning excited as hell to ignore their family and go sit on the highway with a radar gun for 10 hours.

19 shares on Facebook this month:

I need to hire someone to just constantly slap food out of my hand.

73 shares on Pinterest this month:

Actually, men should take the pill. It makes more sense to unload the gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.

50 shares on Twitch this month:

Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇸 has shared:

Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.

Someone from 🇳🇪 has shared:

If I have to look at any more spreadsheets today, you’re gonna have to spread my ashes.

Someone from 🇨🇳 has shared:

“I’ve had cigarettes that were better than entire years of my life.”

Someone from 🇸🇱 has shared:

My first rodeo and my last rodeo were the same rodeo.

Someone from 🇧🇷 has bookmarked:

I still make time for all my favorite hobbies, like drinking, swearing, and making people feel uncomfortable.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has viewed:

Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.

Someone from 🇬🇪 has bookmarked:

If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting, I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has viewed:

Tomorrow isn’t promised, so make sure you tell bad people they’re bad.

Someone from 🇬🇳 has bookmarked:

In Hell, “Cotton Eye Joe” plays on an eternal loop. The heat and fire are actually pleasant compared to that.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has downloaded:

I don’t miss calls, I stare at them.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Messenger:

Once married, the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket.

Trending via Messenger:

The T in depression stands for the therapy places that are immediately available.

Just landed via X:

Whoever salts the fries at McDonald’s needs to come do the roads.

Spotted on Threads:

I’ve literally never copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”

Trending via Slack:

I fear one day I’ll see one of my posts marked as an “Exhibit A”

Freshly posted on TikTok:

My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.

Just landed via Snapchat:

Accessories can really boost a woman’s self-confidence. For example, I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times.

Just shared via Discord:

My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.

Just landed via Pinterest:

What’s a positive thought for beginners? I’ve been getting into optimism lately.

Freshly posted on Facebook:

I don’t know which aunty needs to hear this, but focus on your own child.

Activity Log ✨

35 Funny faster quotes

More funny faster quotes 👇

All funny faster quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

Social Media Stars ⭐

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