They should invent a good thing that happens.

Don’t worry. You’re exactly where you should be in life. Because you’ve made horrible choices.

Cats are probably like: Oh, I should follow you on Litterboxd.

Eating trail mix should count as hiking.

They should release the Epstein list right before the Oscars.

Cupid’s arrow should have just killed me instead.

Overthinking should at least burn calories.

We should all go into advertising and fix what’s going on with commercials. They need our help.

They should invent a way to delete other people’s posts.

They should invent friends whose schedules line up with yours.

They should let me go inside everyones house just to see.

I don’t get involved in anyone’s business, let alone their drama. You should try it.

My least controversial opinion is that IKEA should have a bar. I think we were meant to consume three beers and then purchase a Gjörfbunkle.

We should all start texting each other like old time explorers. ‘Dearest friend, I have survived another week. The horrors persist.’

They should make a tanning bed that constantly rolls you over like a gas station hotdog.

Being insane should at least burn calories.

All I’m saying is that big burgers should be wider not taller.

You seem really unhinged, we should grab coffee sometime.

I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.

They should make a separate airport for people who know how to act like they’ve been out in public before.