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64 Funny daily quotes

People who don’t have a dishwasher, where do they bang their shins?

3 months ago

It’s crazy that you don’t really argue with a baby for the first year of its life and then you have to argue with the baby every day.

3 months ago

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover, it’s just Tuesday.

3 months ago

The question “how is work” really pisses me off. Work is work, bro, I don’t know what else you want me to say.

3 months ago

Old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something.

3 months ago

Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past couple years, and I was not expecting that.

3 months ago

Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts and photos when someone asks me what I did yesterday.

3 months ago

“You should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day”. Okay, and how much if you’re not trying to go to the Olympics?

3 months ago

The 5 seconds in the morning, when I don’t yet know who I am, is the best time of the day.

3 months ago

Every morning when that damn alarm clock goes off, I just feel it so much: A million-dollar inheritance suits me much better than an office job.

3 months ago

The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”

3 months ago

Home is where you’ve left the shopping list.

3 months ago

I’m basically a taxi today for the kids and dogs.

3 months ago

A garlic a day keeps the doctor away.

3 months ago

Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.

3 months ago

I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?

3 months ago

50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.

3 months ago

Me every time I wake up: Oh no, not again!

3 months ago

I don’t have mirrors in my house. I mean, who wants to see disappointment everyday?

3 months ago

If only my bank balance was as high as my daily calorie intake.

3 months ago