2080 Funny me quotes

• If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.

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  2 weeks ago

  after, charcuterie, denial, eating, finished, food, humor, licking, me, party, plate, saw, snack

• My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.

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  2 weeks ago

  bank, desk, finance, irony, keep, me, missing, money, pen, pens, safe, security, trust

• My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

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  2 weeks ago

  adult, adulthood, believe, childhood, door, doors, dread, existential, existential dread, expectations, gain, humor, ID, irony, lava, led, me, passageway, quicksand, secret, secret passageway, serum, trap, trap door, truth, truth serum, weight, weight gain

• Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

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  2 weeks ago

  acting, creativity, humor, i, joke, life, ly, me, moment, movie, never, self-deprecation, someone, told, weight

• “I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

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  2 weeks ago

  billiards, favorite, favorite hole, favourite, game, hole, humor, i, me, playful, playful remark, pool, pool table, remark, sport, table

• My yoga instructor was drunk today. Put me in a very awkward position.

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  2 weeks ago

  awkward, drunk, exercise, fitness, humor, instructor, me, position, put, today, yoga

• Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine. Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

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  2 weeks ago

  answer, answering, asked, bottle, conversation, drink, hour, humor, i, know, me, misunderstanding, much, right, someone, spend, spending, wine

• Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train.

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  2 weeks ago

  awkward, awkward moment, commuting, conversation, humor, i, me, moment, next, nothing, person, sarcasm, saying, thanks, train, turning

• My boss wants me to train some other employees so it’s pretty obvious he has no idea I am completely incompetent.

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  2 weeks ago

  am, boss, employees, humor, i, idea, incompetent, irony, job, management, me, obvious, pretty, train, wants, workplace

• I don’t mean to say that I drink a lot of coffee, but Colombian farmers have a photo of me in their wallets.

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  2 weeks ago

  addiction, beverage, coffee, Colombia, drink, farmer, humor, i, joke, lot, me, mean, photo, say, wallet

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