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The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.

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Donโ€™t you hate it when you buy veggies and when you get them home you realize theyโ€™re donuts?

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If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics. Someone will come to argue with you.

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The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while waiting in line.

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My childhood led me to believe that as an adult Iโ€™d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far itโ€™s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

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The science between bragging about a man and him disappointing you immediately after needs to be studied.

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I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words.

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Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

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Just accidentally closed a tab I’ve had been meaning to read for the past 2 years.

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Buying a new phone isnโ€™t even satisfying anymore. Itโ€™s literally just your old phone with a haircut.

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