Wiping my hands on my pants before I’m shaking someone’s hand, so they spend the rest of the day wondering what I just touched. Posted on10 minutes ago
I’m so desperate for a vacation that at this point I’d spend an all inclusive week at Jurassic Park. Posted on48 minutes ago
Embattled politicians resign saying they want to spend more time with their families. Do their families get a say in this? Posted on7 hours ago
Everytime I spend $20 I think this is fine because I won’t do it again. And then would you believe. Posted on1 day ago
The 10 minutes I spend on my mobile before I go to sleep are the best 3 hours of my day. Posted on1 day ago
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries. Posted on2 days ago
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon. Posted on3 days ago
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people. Posted on3 days ago
Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’ Posted on3 days ago
Are you ever in the mood to get hit by a car and spend like one month in the hospital? Posted on3 days ago
Why spend like $300 Dollars on a pair of shoes? Do you know how many chicken nuggets you can buy with that money? Posted on3 days ago
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item. Posted on3 days ago
All our dogs think we quit our jobs to spend more time with them. All our cats think we got fired for being lazy. Posted on5 days ago