358 Funny ever quotes

Funny ever quotes are like the confetti of language, sprinkling a little buzz into the mundane. They’re the cheeky winks from history’s class clowns, the verbal high-fives that transform dull moments into laugh-out-loud memories. Whether you’re seeking a giggle, a snort, or a full-on belly laugh, these gems are your go-to. So grab your favorite beverage, sit back, and dive into a world where words wear clown shoes and every punchline lands like a feather on your funny bone. Get ready to LOL and maybe even ROFL!

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

2 months ago

When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus, and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape ever again.

2 months ago

Getting a key tattoo, but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo, so no one ever finds it.

2 months ago

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

2 months ago

If I ever go missing, please print my picture on wine bottles and not on milk boxes. My friends are more likely to find me then.

2 months ago

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hot dogs! hot dogs!” over and over again? That’s me, looking for hot dogs.

2 months ago2 months ago

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

2 months ago

If I was ever told to “dress to impress”, my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out.

2 months ago

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?” And then do the opposite of that.

2 months ago

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

2 months ago

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark. Yeah, me too.

2 months ago

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do you really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to work for you? No. It was to ride a pony on a funky space rainbow. Grow up.

2 months ago

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said.

2 months ago

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

2 months ago

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

2 months ago

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

2 months ago

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

2 months ago

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

2 months ago

There’s something meditative about cleaning. It’s the perfect time to reflect and plan revenge on every single person who has ever wronged you.

2 months ago

Breakups are hard, but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered?

2 months ago

First caveman to see fire: Well, this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and I predict that’s the last I’ll ever see of that.

2 months ago

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

2 months ago

I will never fall victim to groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest nonsense you’ve ever heard.

2 months ago

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

2 months ago

Dear diary, sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

2 months ago

358 Funny ever quotes

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

Sex is great, but have you ever started slowly picking up speed after sitting in a traffic jam?

Should I ever be mean and insulting, then it comes from the bottom of my heart.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever tried to breathe quieter while walking up a hill so strangers didn’t call 911.

If there’s ever an alien invasion, I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.

Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying “What?” to this person?

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

If you ever see me running, it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van.

When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus, and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape ever again.

Getting a key tattoo, but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo, so no one ever finds it.

Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.

If I ever go missing, please print my picture on wine bottles and not on milk boxes. My friends are more likely to find me then.

You ever go to a baseball game and hear a guy yelling, “hot dogs! hot dogs!” over and over again? That’s me, looking for hot dogs.

Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?

If I was ever told to “dress to impress”, my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?” And then do the opposite of that.

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark. Yeah, me too.

Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do you really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to work for you? No. It was to ride a pony on a funky space rainbow. Grow up.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

There’s a reason you ain’t ever used your phone in a dream.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said.

If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.

You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?

Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.

In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.

Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life. Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.

There’s something meditative about cleaning. It’s the perfect time to reflect and plan revenge on every single person who has ever wronged you.

Breakups are hard, but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered?

First caveman to see fire: Well, this is a buncha bullshit that no one needs (stomps it out) and I predict that’s the last I’ll ever see of that.

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes.

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic, now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

If I ever experience an earthquake, my first thought will probably be it’s Godzilla.

If I ever had to fight a bear, I hope it’s a gummy bear.

I will never fall victim to groupthink. I have perfectly unique opinions that no one else has, and they are the dumbest nonsense you’ve ever heard.

Dear diary, sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?