There’s a disgusting pervert at the bar watching pornography over my shoulder.

Picking up a hitchhiker is not worth the risk of being forced to make small talk with a stranger.

My hobbies include trying to close the elevator doors before anyone else gets on.

The problem with dating apps is I don’t wanna date someone that would use a dating app.

The problem with people starts when we expect things from them, or have anything to do with them.

I appreciate the people that interact with me and I really appreciate the ones that don’t.

I was feeling kinda lonely this morning so I glued a coffee cup to the top of my car so people would wave at me.

I hate when people are like “you are so nice”. I’m ugly, I have no other choice.

I hate when people stare at me and don’t say anything. I mean, if you want an autograph or a picture just ask.

Have you ever wanted to grab somebody by the shoulders, give them a good shake and whisper “Nobody cares!”

How do I un-know people?

Every app is a dating app if you are creepy enough.

I be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb.

A fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”

If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.

Nothing ruins my day quite like getting out of bed and dealing with people.

“You’re so quiet!” Thanks! I actually tried to speak twice but you kept talking over me.

And is your “sparkling personality” in the room with us now?

That awkward moment when you’ve said “What?” three times, so you just say “Oh, yeah..” even though you have no idea what they said.

My secret talent is turning any situation into a considerably more awkward one.