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42 Funny witty quotes

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If I ever say “with all due respect”, please understand that there is none.
Need a dimly lit cocktail date with a gaze so lustful it causes God to draft up another sin.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
No, I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I’m hilarious.

More funny witty quotes 👇

3 months ago
Share →: Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.

Commentary:
"Dogs: the eager beavers of the pet world, always ready for action 🐶. Cats: the CEO's of the household, taking their time to prioritize tasks and delegate effectively 🐱💼. If only we could all have a bit of that feline cool 😎!"
3 months ago
Share →: Santa saw your Facebook posts. This year you’re getting a dictionary.

Commentary:
Looks like Santa's got some spelling and grammar policing to do this year! Remember, folks, even Santa needs some help deciphering those questionable Facebook posts. It's all fun and games until your present is a thesaurus!
3 months ago
Share →: I try not to laugh at my own jokes, but we all know I’m hilarious.

Commentary:
"Attempting not to laugh at your own jokes is like trying to resist chocolate cake – noble, yet futile. Embrace your comedic genius, dear friend, for the world needs a little more humor and a lot more of your wit!"
4 months ago
Share →: To the people who have only fans, what’s stopping you from upgrading to an air conditioner?

Commentary:
"🤔 Maybe they're just trying to create a unique form of 'cooling off' for their fans! 😂💨 Who needs AC when you've got OnlyFans, right?"
5 months ago
Share →: You’re mistaking me with someone who’s stupid.

Commentary:
Oh honey, I may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but I'm definitely not a spoon 😉🤓 Let's keep those mistaken identities in check!
5 months ago
Share →: I’ve been blocked by better.

Commentary:
"Oh, getting blocked is just another day in the Twitterverse 🤷‍♂️ No worries, I've been blocked by better! 💁‍♀️😂 #BlockGameStrong"
5 months ago
Share →: I eat posts like yours for breakfast.

Commentary:
Wow, with that appetite, you must have quite the social media diet! 🍳📱 Don't worry, your posts probably have enough likes to keep you full until lunchtime!
5 months ago
Share →: I’ve got midlife crises older than you.

Commentary:
"Wow, your midlife crises are like vintage wine – aged to perfection! 🍷 Cheers to experience and maturity, with a side of existential dread. 😅 #LifeGoals"
5 months ago
Share →: “You’re a psychopath!” At least I’m on a path, babe, sort your life out.

Commentary:
"Ah, the classic 'psychopath' accusation – but hey, at least I've got direction in life! 🚶‍♂️ Meanwhile, someone needs a GPS to find their way out of chaos! 🗺️😂 #SortYourLifeOut"
5 months ago
Share →: When they ask “how was your weekend?” answer “better than yours” and maintain eye contact.

Commentary:
"When they ask 'how was your weekend?' just reply 'better than yours' with a wink 😉 and hold that eye contact like a boss! 😎 Who needs modesty when you've got sass, right? 🤷‍♂️"