If idiots could fly, TikTok would be an airport.

My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes.

I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.

Parents be like “don’t believe everything you see on the internet” then believe everything they see on Facebook.

Facebook: because time isn’t going to pass on it’s own.

When my nudes go to the cloud, I always hope God is impressed.

Everyone who dramatically ‘quits’ social media is back in 48 hours like it was just a trial separation.

For the first time in history, you can simply post “He’s an idiot” and 90% of the world will know whom you’re talking about.

If you scroll Twitter long enough, you too can burn calories by shaking your head.

I like to put “No DMs” in my bio to pretend that I’m attractive.

Boyfriend hasn’t accepted my LinkedIn request yet. He doesn’t want to connect. He doesn’t want to build.

Studies show people who like my posts are happier, smarter, and better looking than those who don’t.

They should release the Epstein list right before the Oscars.

I followed a diet but it didn’t follow me back, so I unfollowed it.

The three people who like every single one of my posts are going in my will.

Deleting tweets like a writer who burns his manuscripts.

I crashed my bike in 1989 and hurt my knee real bad. We didn’t have social media back then so I’m telling you guys now.

Twitter is a prime example why most of us shouldn’t be left unsupervised.

Twitter is fun. You kinda just talk to yourself and sometimes someone replies.