3048 Funny i quotes

Humble enough to know I can be replaced, but wise enough to know ain’t nobody else like me.

5 days ago

I need to start hiding my money from myself.

5 days ago

I miss when The Weeknd made haunted strip club music. Didn’t know how good I had it.

5 days ago

I already want to come home from work tomorrow.

5 days ago

“People you may know” and it’s someone I would set on fire.

5 days ago

God, I was so happy when I was 18. I wasn’t at the time, but in retrospect I was.

5 days ago

My life is simple, I see a queue of more than 6 people, I go home.

5 days ago

I don’t abuse substances. I cherish and nurture them.

5 days ago

Being sober would be a lot easier if I liked myself.

6 days ago

Revenge has no expiry date. I will deal with you when I’m ready.

6 days ago

It’s not my fault that when I said you looked “stunning” you assumed I meant in a positive way.

6 days ago

“Stalking”. God forbid I have access to public information and know how to utilize my resources.

6 days ago

No longer chasing dreams. If they want me, they know where I nap.

6 days ago

“It’s all in your head!” Correct! Unfortunately, I am also in there.

1 week ago

I see you liked my selfie, but what about my ideas?

1 week ago

My best friend is married and buying a house. I ate popcorn for dinner.

1 week ago

I deserve a percentage of your pay if you ever stole any swag from me.

1 week ago

The paintings I always like the most in museums are the ones that have a bench.

1 week ago

Liking a post I don’t understand just to impress the algorithm.

1 week ago

I have some fart jokes I’ve been holding in.

1 week ago

I think we all need to go out into an empty field and just scream for about an hour.

1 week ago

Whoever is dating my ex, all I can say is: cheat first!

1 week ago

They should make a Wikipedia for normal people. I should be able to google my barista.

1 week ago

No, babe, I love your prefrontal cortex. The fully developed ones scare me.

1 week ago

Ever since I was a little girl I knew I wanted to leave work early.

1 week ago

Rappers be making you feel guilty for no reason at all: “You was in the house eating dinner while I was in the streets hungry”. Like my fault, bro.

1 week ago

I took my kids to the zoo when they were small, I wonder how they are getting on now.

1 week ago

I forgot my password, failed the captcha and have been accused of being a robot. I don’t even know how to fight these allegations.

1 week ago

Rock bottom should give me free sandwich and coffee for how often I hit it.

1 week ago

I want someone to care for me as much as Netflix cares if someone has logged into my account from another device.

1 week ago