4844 Funny i quotes — Wordgag ツ

I’m at an age where I don’t have to go anywhere and I still have jet lag.

10 minutes ago10 minutes ago

The greatest allies fascism and genocide have are the people who say, “I don’t follow the news, it’s too depressing.”

17 minutes ago17 minutes ago

Awkward is the new sexy. At least that’s what I’m telling myself, so I don’t cry in front of strangers.

3 hours ago3 hours ago

I wonder if people who spend all their time screaming on the internet know there are way more fun things to do.

5 hours ago5 hours ago

Sorry for how I acted when there were multiple noises happening at the same time.

5 hours ago5 hours ago

When the salesman from the hearing aid company calls, I stay on the line and answer every question with ‘What?’

7 hours ago7 hours ago

I had a sex dream last night that felt so real, I’m just gonna go ahead and add it to my body count.

8 hours ago8 hours ago

Girls … I understood why they advise us to get married and have kids before 25. Because after that, our brain starts working, and the decision won’t seem so reasonable anymore.

9 hours ago9 hours ago

I see from the back of your car that you have found Jesus, but not your turn signal.

10 hours ago10 hours ago

I was having a great day, and then, people.

14 hours ago14 hours ago

I hate overhead lighting – trying to mimic the holy sun should be considered sinful. The lamp is much better, mimicking the hearths of our forebears.

20 hours ago20 hours ago

I don’t understand the phrase “You can’t have your cake and eat it” because if I have cake, what the hell else am I supposed to do with it.

24 hours ago24 hours ago

If you don’t like me, remember: it’s mind over matter. I don’t mind, and you don’t matter.

1 day ago1 day ago

I love saying “my man” and not his name, so when I get a new one, nobody knows.

1 day ago1 day ago

I don’t know what kind of sex makes y’all want a joint bank account, but I ain’t had it yet.

1 day ago1 day ago

I have officially reached the age where I am bothered by lights being on, doors left open, loud noises, and people.

2 days ago2 days ago

Accidentally used men’s shower gel today, and I can already feel myself lying for no reason.

2 days ago2 days ago

Who develops the algorithm? I want to speak to the manager.

3 days ago3 days ago

I just bought a universal remote. This changes everything.

3 days ago3 days ago

I love it when God gives me money.

3 days ago3 days ago