45 Funny shit quotes

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  5 months ago

  Share →: People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Halloween is a big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings.

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth, which is patronizing as hell, I bet they had places to go and important shit to do.

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Bands are always like “here’s another song”. Yeah, no shit, that’s pretty much all you do.

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Went fishing and actually caught a fish. So now I gotta deal with this shit.

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  5 months ago

  Share →: You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.

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  5 months ago

  Share →: The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

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  5 months ago

  Share →: Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!” New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit!”

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